“Waiting for someone to “see the light” and change their behavior keeps everyone stuck.” ~LMB
The number of families cowering, ducking, and silencing to a reactive adult is more than most people can imagine. Many families are tip-toing around the men in their homes. There are, however, exceptions to this where the reactivity of the mother, teenager or even five-year-old child has everyone walking on eggshells. And regardless of who the family’s frantically attempting to keep happy, the reality is: when the unhealthiest person in the home is running the home, the entire home is held captive.
Many people imagine that the person who has everyone tip-toing around feels bad about their behavior. What most people don’t realize about this dynamic is that reactivity, lashing out, and demanding everyone listen to you, actually feels good. It’s fun to be the boss. Not having to “contain” yourself is freeing; You get to explode, control, demand, and even throw temper tantrums whenever you want. It’s like a free pass back to the days of toddlerhood when life was so much easier. And the bigger the tantrum, the more people hastily give you what you want just to keep you calm. It’s an effective play on power and control.
…until it isn’t.
Many people will put up with your explosions, harshness, or control of them for a while. Some may even give into your tantrums for years. Few, however, will do so forever. Running your entire family at your whim gets tiring. Your tantrums, steadily and increasingly, push people away. Even when your behavior isn’t so egregious as blowing up, when others are walking on eggshells around your emotions and behavior, they get burned out––and resentful. Less obvious and still damaging behaviors include: repetitively dismissing others ideas, opinions, or concerns; consistently making quick snippy or harsh comments; constant micromanaging of people or situations; or (fill in the blank…).
Home should be everyone’s place of respite. Everyone deserves to have a place to lay their head where they feel safe, loved, honored, and protected. When you command that space to cater to your moods, emotions, and demands, you rob the entire family—and yourself––of this gift. You will burn them out. You will rob your children of learning healthy relational skills that will allow them to succeed in life. And if you are the parent who is walking on eggshells, you’re robbing yourself and your children of the same.
Trying to manage another person’s emotions by giving into their tantrums, will intensify the tantrums. Waiting for them to “see the light” and feel bad about the environment they’re creating, will intensify their entitlement. The only way to stop the unhealthiest person in the home from running the home is to stand up to them with love and firmness (Grounded Powerful Strength). The message is: I love you and this family too much to allow this in my home—in our home.
The core component in a GPS is compassion. You have enough compassion to stand up for yourself when needed while also honoring the humanity of the person on the other side of you. The bottom-line rule in a GPS is Do No Harm: do no harm to others and do not allow others to harm you. This means refusing to attack or shame. Instead, you set clear boundaries with strength and compassion, refusing to participate in the dynamic that is harming everyone. Anything less leaves all of you failing to achieve one of the most precious things in the world: a safe, thriving, loving, home to rest your head.
Challenge: If your family is tip-toing around your demands, emotions, or reactivity, then get the help you need to manage your emotions before you wake up one day shocked that your spouse is leaving, and your children want nothing to do with you. This pattern didn’t develop overnight, and changing it will take work—but the alternative is losing what matters most.
In contrast, if you are the one catering to your family member’s moods and power grabs, get the help you need to stand up with strength and love for your sake and the sake of your entire family.
A word about children: If the acting–out family member is a child, recognize that when you fail to set limits on their behavior, you are training them to become an entitled, out-of-control adult. Children need loving limits to feel safe and learn how to navigate the world successfully. Find the love and strength to provide this guidance––it is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.
