Is your partner great at saying s/he will do something, yet not so great at actually doing it? If so, it’s time to learn the skill of using the “what if” contract. This contract will help reduce your frustration with your partner and give you a new way to handle empty promises.
Contracts in general, help to minimize incorrect assumptions, unnecessary confusions and irresponsible excuses. They are pivotal in relationships. A regular contract is simply an explicit agreement between you and your partner. The agreement could be about anything from who’s going to wash the dishes each night to who’s going to call the plumber.
In contrast to the regular contract which simply states the agreement between you and your partner, the “what if” contract states the agreement as well as what will happen “if” your partner does not do what s/he agreed to do. It adds the consequence to the equation.
You can make a “what if” contract on just about anything. Some examples include:
· “If you don’t call the plumber by Monday, then Monday night you agree to call in front of me.”
· “If you would like to stay at a different hotel, then you will have to make the reservations. If you don’t, then we will keep the ones I made.”
· We agreed that if I wash the clothes, you would fold them, yet you haven’t been doing your part. If you don’t fold, then I will wash my clothes only.
If your partner has good intentions, “what if” contracts can be quite effective. They can help you to not feel so helpless, and they help your partner to be accountable. If however, your partner refuses to take responsibility for his/her contracts no matter what you do, then it is time to set bigger limits, seek outside help or re-think if this is the right relationship for you.
Challenge: If there is something you’re partner has repeatedly agreed to do, yet hasn’t done, then make a “what if” contract with him/her. If s/he agrees, then be sure to follow through with the “what if” part. If s/he refuses to agree and repeatedly doesn’t follow through, sit down and seriously think of the bigger picture. What will your next step be?