People throw around the term codependency all the time; professionals talk about it, lay people wonder about it, and alcoholics and their partners live with it. Few people, however, truly know what it is.

Melody Beattie has an excellent book on codependency titled, Codependent No More. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re codependent or were curious about what codependency is, this is the book for you.

Melody’s definition is: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. “

Most codependents who read this definition would likely say they are not codependent. Let me help clarify for a minute. Codependents become highly reactive to the behaviors of others. Codependents are very in tune to the people they care about and are frequently pointing out: what their partner’s doing, what their partner should be doing, why their partner is doing what their doing, how their partner’s behavior is related to their family of origin issues and on and on.

Codependents find it nearly impossible to stay out of their partner’s business. They see better, know better, and are responsible for making their partners better. They are often sure they know the cure for their partner’s ailments and they do anything in their power to change their partners so they can feel more comfortable in the relationship.

Codependents will do almost anything to control the situation and person. If their partner is an alcoholic, the codependent may run around the home searching for liquor to pour down the drain. If their partner is irresponsible, the codependent will become ultra responsible and take over the household. If their partner is withdrawn and depressed, the codependent will constantly complain about the lack of interaction and will take their partner to countless psychiatrists until they believe they’ve found the right one. It’s an endless dance of fixing others and the environment.

Codependence is a miserable, unending drive to fix others…which results in destroying the self. If you’re codependent, while you’re running around trying to fix those you love, you’re forgetting about the most important part of the equation–YOU.

Many codependents struggle with self esteem issues. They’re running around so focused on everyone else that they get lost in the chaos. The first step toward jumping off that treadmill is focusing all eyes and attention on themselves. If you’re codependent, begin to focus all that excess attention onto you and let go of what others around you are doing or not doing. This will be the biggest gift you could ever give yourself…and your relationship.

In essence, the cure to codependence is: Stay out of other people’s business. Don’t point out what they’re doing or not doing, don’t “help” solve their problems, don’t tell them how to solve their own problems, don’t tell them how their behavior is hurting them, don’t over react by yelling, screaming, or behaving self righteously, don’t protect them from the consequences of their behaviors and finally…keep your eyes on YOU.

Here’s to a New Year with a healthier you!

CHALLENGE: If you’re not sure if you’re codependent, read Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More. If you know you struggle with issues of codependency, commit to taking your eyes off of those around you and instead focusing on changing your pieces (i.e. Stop controlling, fixing, micro-managing…practice healthy boundaries and self esteem).