Many couples seem to be dealing with a third party in their relationships…alcohol. One partner typically comes home from work and makes him/herself a drink to help “wind down” from a stressful day. It’s not uncommon for the person to drink two to three drinks, three to four nights a week. If there’s a party or an event on the weekend, they drink more.
This pattern can, and often does, go on for many months or even years.
Gradually the atmosphere in the home begins to change. The conversations seem to slow down, the interactions begin to center around what needs to get done rather than how each person’s day was, and the energy in the house becomes tenser. In some households, the person who has a few drinks becomes short, impatient, and irritating to be around. The rest of the family distances more.
When I work with couples in this pattern, often one partner is worried about the impact the alcohol is having in their relationship and the other partner is not. Guess who’s worried and who isn’t. You got it… the one not drinking is worried, and the one drinking is often certain their drinking isn’t a problem. The drinking partner will often say the alcohol isn’t impacting the relationship; it’s their partner harping on them about the alcohol that’s impacting the relationship.
I’m a firm believer in responsible, social drinking. In fact, I would like to be able to have a drink when I’m ninety years old while I’m soaking my dentures and holding my ninety-one-year-old husband’s wrinkly hand. I’m very aware, however, that in order to do this, I will always have to drink responsibly. I will always have to be in control of my drinking and not have my drinking be in control of me. I’m also aware that there may be a time in my life when I may not be the best judge of my drinking. If you’re drinking several nights a week, you may not be the best judge either.
Drinking is deceptive. Alcohol dulls our senses, it deadens us. Initially, it starts out as a part of a social experience. Next it moves to an enhancer of our experiences. Perhaps next we turn to it to “relax” us or even to help us reduce our stress. Finally, we just use it because. And before we know it, someone in our life is saying it’s a problem.
Alcohol provides a veil that clouds life; it distorts the picture. If you’ve developed a pattern of drinking several nights a week to “wind down,” you’re no longer a responsible, social drinker. You’re a person who’s using alcohol to handle your stress or to settle you down from a long day.
Don’t fight with your partner about whether or not you are an alcoholic—take steps to insure you don’t become one. Creating a weekly ritual around drinking will catch up to you. It may not catch up to you today or next week, but keep drinking several nights a week, and, I promise, it will catch up to you.
There are tens of thousands of alcoholics and substance abusers in this world, and I’m very confident that few, if any, intended to become addicted. It just happened somewhere along the way.
You never know when that one drink or that one drug is going to be the drink or the drug that turned your use into abuse and your desire for a drink into your need for a drink. It’s like playing Russian roulette–several drinks for several months may not do it, and then WHAM, all of a sudden that next week of drinking leads you to think you need another one.
Are you playing Russian roulette with alcohol? If so, are you prepared for the consequences should it be your day for that fatal bullet–that one drink that just turned your “social drinking” into a social problem: addiction?
Challenge: Find a moment sometime this week to objectively look at your drinking. Have you formed a daily or weekly pattern around drinking? If so, what story are you telling yourself about this level of drinking? Ask your partner if he/she believes your drinking impacts your relationship. If the answer is yes, have the courage to trust their answer and begin to take steps to reduce (or, if necessary, remove altogether) the influence of alcohol on your relationship.
Substance abuse resources:
https://www.usa.gov/substance-abuse
https://www.avenuesrecovery.com/college-substance-abuse/
Hi Lisa
Your article is right on the money. But I think many people whose parents did not abuse alcohol or drugs might easily say this does not apply to me and not get the message in it. What I am suggesting for others that read this articel is that the words alcohol be substituted for whatever dysfunctional behavior being exhibited by the offender. When I first began therapy a number of years ago, my therapist suggested that I read books about children of alcoholics. I scoffed at the notion becaue neither of my parents drank more than a few times a year. I was told to substittue the word alcohol for the words depression and rageaholism, the behaviors of my parents. When you sub the words alcohol with depression or any other less than functional action, the result will be the same as you state in your article “the energy in the house becomes tenser. In some households, the person who has [Depression, rageaholism, etc. ] becomes short, impatient, and irritating to be around. The rest of the family distances more.”
I have been dating this guy for over two years. During the two years, I can probably count on one hand the smiles we shared. The problem….drinking and his behavior when he drinks. We just got back together for the whatever number time and I thought things were going well. We went out a few weeks ago and again last week. Well, because I asked him how he was doing (I noticed a look that he gets when he drinks too fast and doesn’t eat…the silly drunk look). He got upset and decided to get spiteful with me. He decides to become disrespectful and bother other women (yet, none of his friends think what he does is bad). I decide to ignore him since he is acting this way and HE WON’T remember a thing tomorrow. Anyway, I decide to leave and he decides he doesn’t want to go with me and let’s me leave this bar on my own. Anyway, it’s all getting old – his drinking and the disrespectful ways. I really think I just need to be a friend and move on. He thinks I run away and that is what ticks him off. I recently took everything I ever gave him and threw it out….he said it was me being spiteful. I say it was me saying “farewell”. This seems to be an on going battle. He doesn’t want to be told what to do when it comes to drinking and I don’t like being around a drunk who loses control and doesn’t remember anything therefore, he can be a jerk and ask for forgiveness tomorrow. He wants for us to talk to someone and see what the outcome will be. Honestly, the outcome needs to be friends. I can not see this man making a good choice in regards to his drinking. Why should he….there’s not a problem. Any thoughts?
Reply: My first thought is if he does have a drinking problem than there’s no chance for the relationship to work until the drinking problem is dealt with. You are absolutely right on for not wanting to get involved as long as the alcohol is so prevalent. My suggestion is that you clearly state to him that you’re not interested in a relationship until he addresses his drinking. If he says he doesn’t have a problem then be clear that you’re not interested in the relationship.
I would also watch your reactions; it’s one thing to say you don’t want to be with him until he gets help for his drinking, it’s another thing to throw his things out as a way of saying farewell. Watch your moderation. Be strong and moderate in your message rather than aggressive and reactive.
I Need some help with this one cause I have been with a man for 6yrs who seems to have a drinking problem and drug problem. At first he wasnt like that then he brought all these problems out of the closet. He was spending all his money on drinking and drugs for at least 5yrs of our relationship and he slowed down a little; But still I catch him in lies. Just last month he left and was gone all day and when he came back he had been drinking and all his foodstamps were wiped off his card. When he does these things it really upsets me cause I end up having to worry about where I’m getting money to buy food for our children and us. This is not right to me and I told him if he does it one more time I’m leaving him but all he says is that he doesn’t care what I do. I dont know what to do cause 2 children are involved here and they see no wrong in him. Please help.
LISA’S REPLY: It sounds like you are dealing with an addiction. My best advice is for you to attend Alanon meetings for partners and family members of addicts. Having him spend the family’s money is not helping the children or you. You deserve to be treated well by all people at all times. He is not treating you well–especially when he says he doesn’t care if you leave. Get to Alanon so you can get strong enough to set a limit on his behavior. When you’re strong enough, you want to tell him that you love him very much however you cannot watch him destroy himself and his family and unless he gets into treatment, he will need to move out.
It is unlikely that he is going to change unless he has to. It is also important for you to know that typically when someone has a drug or alcohol problem, it just intensifies and gets worse with time, not better.
Check out Alanon’s website at http://www.alanon.org
Take care-Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I can relate to so many people. I live with an alcoholic now. My father was an alcoholic also. I feel I am drawn to them also. I myself like to drink. I am also the type that if anything I do causes problems in my relationship I will stop. The only time I have courage to speak out about my feelings is when I drink.
My partner will drink everyday after work and as soon as he eats supper he passes out. On weekends he starts drinking at 10 or 11am and is passed out by 5 or 6 pm.
He won’t go out to eat or any place else unless they sell alcohol and allow smoking.
He works, I stay home , I feel he deserves some pleasure but i get gipped in the end.
I ask him to wait on weekends until 5 or 6 pm before he drinks and he can’t. He even passes out with cigarettes, so I can’t sleep until I know he’s passed out completely.
His dad got killed in May and its gotton worse. I have dealt with that fact, but when I say anything his reply is “Well I drank when you met me!”What should I do or say? I have never asked him to stop.
We just got engaged August 14th.
He doesn’t beat me ,he doesn’t cheat on me, he doesn’t verbally abuse me, so guess I feel lucky to have him.
Thanks for letting me get this off my shoulders, Your an Angel.
LISA’S REPLY: Dear Jana, you are anything but lucky to have him. Marrying him will mean you will get more of what you’re getting right now. He is likely to intensify his drinking not reduce it. My best advice for you is to contact your nearest ALANON and get to a group. You are enabling his drinking and are about to make the biggest mistake of you life. Alanon’s number is 1-888-425-2666. Call it now and take the first step to getting healthy and creating a better life for yourself. You deserve it!
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now and his drinking has slowed from 6am all day till 12 am….to a six pack of 24 oz 3 or 4 days maybe 5-6 days a week….he uses the i worked all day i need to relax excuse. When we are at home its fine he wont really ask for beer or stuff, but when he knows we have money to barely spare he asks for it then tells me he’ll make it up tomorrow. Most of his family are alcoholics, and i dont mind him seeing them when im around cuz he doesnt drink as much, but when he’s around them without me he takes advantage and comes home drunk. Bad thing is sometimes he admits he has a problem and sometimes he just makes a big deal about me telling him to stop…..I dont know what to do anymore. I need some advice. I’ve told him that i would support him and be with him to go to AA meetings with his stepfather he tells me yes then makes excuses not to go.
Dear Aretha,
Get yourself into Al-anon and stop taking his game playing. He has no intention of getting into treatment right now and most likely won’t unless the consequences are too high for him not to. Get yourself healthier and stop waiting for him. You are exhibiting many co-dependant behaviors and they are keeping you as much stuck as his drinking is. Work on your stuff and remember Changing Me, Changes We. Your best bet with this relationship is working on you.
Take care-Lisa
Hi I also have been dating someone for 4 years who says he loves me and I am the only one for him. His drinking has gotten worse and worse. I told him it was the problem in our relationship, when he didn’t drink or drink much we had such fun and a good relationship but the drinking has gotten out of control and now he blacks out and says things that are hurtful. He starts drinking right after his coffee in the morning. The relationship is unravelling. He quit, or so he said, for 3 weeks and things were great. Then he started drinking with a passion and nothing was going to get in its way. He emails me saying I am the only one for him. I’m no longer babysitting a man with an alcohol problem because its so much work and embarrassing when they talk stupid in front of people.
He comes to my home without an invitation, I changed the locks. I have a right to feel safe in my own home, I am taking back my power. I don’t have to stay in misery in the name of love. I have to take responsiblity too. So because he proved he cannot stop on his own, I told him its over. I will not stay in a dead end relationship, there is no future there.
I keep giving him the same message, there will never be an us again unless he goes to an approved program, does it for him, and admits what he is doing to himself and me. So its two weeks, almost 3, he is still trying to get me back but he does not hear my words, so I am sticking to my guns.
He says he can’t live without me; well I can’t live with an active alchoholic. So I tell him his choices create the outcomes and I am not going to debate it anymore. Bottom line get it together or keep walking and I will too.
Not sure if he will see, but I know I can’t sacrifice myself because I love him. He’s not concerned about what he’s doing to us.
So I come first and do what’s good for me. We’ll see how it goes. No amount of love can fix an alcoholic; he has to see and want it for him. I think I made the right choice. It hurts when you love someone you know under that addiction is a kind gentle person, but if they are always drunk the kind and gentle person is gone. So no sense wasting a life for someone who does not care for their own. They will not be there either when you need them so better to feel bad and sad rather than living a rollercoaster each day wondering what now? I believe you have to love yourself first and when it does not feel good, and the treatment is not good, then its time to walk. Pray for my strength and I pray everyone else in this has it too!!!!!
I have been in a relationship where both my partner and I were drinking. The relationship as you know fell apart.
We have since separated and now are both together again. Neither of us are drinking now. I understand and feel her apprehension to not want to fall into the same behavior problems. There was no communication while we were drinking. The last three times we have been together I have been paying close attention to how the ability to communicate(listening to and paying attention to how we feel) and I really feel that as long as we are together, sober the relationship is really working.
Is there anything I can do to assure her that this lack of communication was due to alcohol? It’s a good thing we didn’t have any plants to water. 🙂
Is there anything I can do to make sure that the apprehension on both our parts does not become overbearing to the point of our relationship becoming stagnant?
DEAR RANDY: First off, nice job with getting sober (for both of you). That is not an easy task and commend both of you for taking that step.
There are two things you can do to not allow the apprehension to get out of hand. The first is to make sure your actions show that you are actually handling things differently by communicating and staying sober. The second thing is for both you and your partner to agree that you will not talk about past behaviors unless they are happening in the present. Worrying about what might happen keeps you from enjoying what is happening.
Best of luck,
Lisa
My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. We’ve been off and on for almost three. We decided to “committ” and things go quite well. We have a 16 month old and other children from prior relationships. We both enjoy “our time” to wind down once all the kids are asleep. However, depending on his mood or whats happening in our lives, he can say hurtful things. Especially if we’ve had a recent argument. When that happens, he must feel as if he needs to contact an ex-girlfriend. Which causes a major problem! He admits he can do some pretty irresponsible things when he’s drank too much. But obviously it’s continuing to cause some trust issues. I feel like I have to babysit him and watch every move he makes now. I do think he’s very devoted to our family. He claims he likes the attention when he’s drunk. It confuses me. I’m very loving and he makes me aware I am. He’s not sure why he does such things. I’m just not sure how to handle it anymore.
DEAR MICHELLE: His behavior is not about you paying attention or not paying attention; it’s about him. I suggest you set a limit on this now and be clear that it’s hurting your relationship. If you believe he has a drinking problem then he will likely need treatment (minimally AA). The best way for you to handle this is to not accept it. Let him know, in a moderate and firm way, that if it doesn’t change you want him to get into therapy to address this issue.
Take care-Lisa
Hello, I have a question. My boyfriend is a kind wonderful guy. And doesn’t drink unless something upsets him. When our relationship is fine…he doesn’t drink. But if i pull him up on something that is bothering me…(I am menapausal..or as he puts it…mental pausal…)he loses it and gets violent and has hit me. He then buys alcohol and drinks and smokes for a few days as I don’t go near him. I always want to break up but we love and miss each other and we each want to mend our ways. I can get bitchy but I don’t deserve to get hit. Everyone tells me to leave asap but that is not going to solve the problem. I love him and want him to get well. I want us to get well. He was abused as a childM(sexual). I was abused in my last marriage..(mental) I have asked him to see counselors. He said okay. We will see after Easter. I go to one. He makes fun of me about that though. But why does everyone say to leave him. People go nuts if you do that to a dog if the dog is misbehaving! I am thinking of going to alanon. And he should go to AA. What do you think? How can I convince him to really go for help. I had a Dr. tell me it was my problem for staying with someone who hit me and to look as to why I would stay with someone like that. I am so confused. Please help. Thanks and Happy Easter. Kathy
DEAR KATHY: If your partner does the work necessary to be a healthy partner then great, there’s a chance things can work out. If, however, he does not actually GO get help, it’s unlikely this relationship will ever be healthy. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well at all times…in anger or otherwise. If he chooses to not do that, then staying with him (without him making changes) is like telling him it’s okay for him to treat you the way he is. Is it?
If not, tell him if he doesn’t get into treatment and stop the violence, then although you love him, you cannot continue to stay with him. Then seek treatment for yourself to help with the pain of losing him. And…yes I would absolutely recommend you go to Alanon.
Take care-Lisa
Hello, I need some advice on a recurring problem that I have at home. I have been with my fiance for a year and a half now and when we first met we liked to go out socially and have fun… now he binge drinks and then, in turn, does drugs. I have told him several times that I do not tolerate drug usage and that I do not support it and that if he wanted to continue doing it then i was leaving. I have now said that at least 7 times in the past year, but he just does not seem to care or does not get it. It is a recurring problem and now I am starting to think that it will never stop! When he drinks he acts stupid, hits on other girls, says hurtful things to me, dissapears for hours on end, lies, throws money away, etc etc. I am just lost and don’t know what I should do. He said that last time he was going to phone an addictions counselor, but of course never has. Do you have any advice on what my options are here?
DEAR KAITLIN: My biggest advice is for you to get into AL-ANON. Al-anon is a 12-step group for friends and family members of alcoholics or drug addicts. You need a support group who will help educate you about the ins and outs of addiction and enabling. Call 888-4AL-ANON and they will send you a list of meetings in your area.
Also you said you’ve told him 7 times that if he doesn’t stop drinking you are leaving. it sounds to me that you started training him that you don’t mean what you say 5-6 times ago. Stop threatening and take action. Your words are meaningless if you don’t back them up with actions.
Good luck and MAKE THE CALL!
Lisa
Hi Lisa, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years now and everything was great at the beginning we both enjoyed going out for a drink but then things changed when our daughter was born, well for me anyway. He still goes out binge drinking, drinks excessively and might not come home that night. He then would go drinking the next day because he’d feel sorry for himself or could say he’s going for one drink but would come home hours later. I actually don’t drink anymore myself because I hate how it changes people. I don’t want to go out with him because I end up babysitting him. It takes me a few hours to get him to go home. He keeps saying he’ll change and I hope he does but am I just kidding myself?
Dear Kelli: When someone’s actions and words don’t match–always listen to their actions. A person does what they truly want to do but they’ll say whatever they think others want to hear.
Your partner seems to have a drinking problem and is in no hurry to address this problem or fix it. You continue to give him a mixed message: I don’t like your drinking–but I’ll put up with it if I have to. Stop giving him a mixed message. Your daughter deserves to have a fully present father who is not an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs in families and if he doesn’t deal with his drinking he will pass it down to her.
Get yourself into Al-anon today and start looking at what steps you can take. Stop hoping your partner will take steps and instead take your own.
Good luck-Lisa
I have been with my partner for 4 years and looking back there are very few good times to remember. When we met it was fun for the first few months we’d go out drinking together-I’m not a big drinker but I do enjoy nice wine and the occasional beer. After 3 months he moved in and 6 weeks into him moving in – it started in earnest. The first time he wet the bed he was mortally embarrassed (or so I thought) it had never happened before etc etc. Well here we are with ruined carpets, ruined beds and ruined furniture. We haven’t had sex for two years because he can’t manage it and i don’t want him near me.
I come from a family of what I would previously have termed drinkers-wine with lunch on Sundays and champagne on special occasions. I have seen family members and friends tipsy on occasion but have never been exposed to drinkers that are full of rage, anger, spite, bile and bitterness. I have had the police called on several occasions and been embarrassed in front of friends, family and neighbors so many times I have lost count. although none of my friends will have anything to do with him I continue to socialize alone with them and have kept up the friendships that have sustained me for many years. Family occasions and work occasions have to be attended alone. I look forward to him passing out in the evenings so I can relax and just leave him. As I type this he is passed out on the floor where he has fallen off the sofa. I expect I will find him still there in the morning in a puddle of his own urine.
You may ask how much is he drinking, is it just a few beers after work? well no, it can be up to 5 bottles of red wine a night and then after hes woken up from being passed out if there’s anything else around he’ll drink that too. Its putting red wine in his traveling cup to go to work in the morning and hiding bottles in the car. He’s leaving work early and starting to drink at lunchtimes and carrying on all day. Why am I telling you this? Because this is what life is like living with an alcoholic. I have tried al anon and thought for me it was a waste of time. Why waste your life trying to live with the situation i have just described when you can leave and find a more fulfilling life elsewhere. Ok you may have kids and perhaps little support if you left but why stay and subject yourself and your family to this? Many drinkers do change but not unless they want to. My partners father is an alcoholic and so is his sister. you may ask why an intelligent attractive woman would stay with this sort of person and the constant wearing away of her confidence? Alcoholics, like drug addicts, are manipulative and devious and will do whatever it takes to get you to play along. In my case he’s very clever and knows just what to do to make me dance to his tune. Gets me to feel sorry for him and puts on the hurt poor little boy act. I have finally found the courage to get rid of him, I have given him one month to find somewhere else to live. I don’t want to throw him into the street so now we have two weeks of the month up he has made absolutely no effort to go and is trying his hardest to play the number on me again. Its not working… I have detached myself from the situation. I can see it for what it is, a damaged individual who has absolutely no intention of giving up drinking and is trying hard to hold on to the easy life he’s had up to now. His answer is to move in with his mom again so he doesn’t have to face up to his problem and take responsibility for his own life. I truly will not miss the relationship. I feel sadness and regret for the person that is underneath the drinking. I hope that my story is a warning and perhaps the trigger for those of you with alcoholic partners to look hard at whats going on and regain your power and self respect by moving on.
love and blessings to all
Holly
Hi Lisa
I would appreciate your comments to my situation. I have been with my partner now for approx one and a half years and currently live at his place although my furniture is still in my own house. We both get on fantastic and this is probably the best relationship I have every had. We really seem to suit each other. Except for one little problem. If I am not home from work yet he visits the next door neighbor and they both drink the neighbor’s home brew beer. Needles to say that when he comes home it is like spending time with an idiot and usually he falls asleep straight after it. He is very happy unless you advise him that you are not too impressed with him drinking too much, he will then get verbally abusive and tells me he is not drunk and it is all in my head. Normally he drinks light alcohol beer and there are no problems. I know that his previous relationship broke up over this but he thinks she was just overreacting because her father was an alcoholic. As she came home from work usually later he would go approx 3 to 4 times next door drinking until she eventually got fed up and left him. With me he doesn’t go there as often as I am home earlier and he wont go there if I am home. He might go there once a week or sometimes because of his shift work once a fortnight. Problem is this is usually on Saturdays so that means the rest of our night is wrecked. Six months ago I told him I was not interested in the relationship if he continued to go next door drinking and told him that he had to make a choice because if he would not change I preferred to move on with my life (even though so far I have never had the strength to walk out on him and don’t know if I ever can). He told me he would always choose me over the beer and it went alright for a while. He would bring his own beer to the neightbor (I knew he brought his own beer because I knew how many were in the fridge before). However, lately he is going back to his old pattern and coming back under the influence. When I say something about it he becomes verbally abusive. I don’t even think he realizes the next day the things he says and the yelling that he does. At the moment he is helping me doing up my house (even though he does 12 hour shifts) so we can rent my house out and me moving in with him permanently. I now have second thoughts because of the home brew at the neighbor and told him this. I gave him the option to move in with me but he doesn’t want to do that as I have no airconditioning and garage to put his car in. I think if that is more important to him, then he is not as much in the relationship as I am. I feel that if he lives at my place the problem with the neightbor is gone as he cannot drive to go there and back. Or am I just a fool to believe that? I know that maybe I should just leave him and get on with my life but that is easier done than said as I have never been so much in love as with him. He says the same thing and told me that he finally found the woman he always wanted. Everyone always makes comments how well we suit each other. Please advise what I should do thanks.
Best regards, Sonja
Dear Sonja; It sounds like your boyfriend has a drinking problem that will only get worse if it doesn’t get addressed and stop now. I strongly suggest that you get into a 12 step Alanon group for partners of alcoholics so you know how to deal with this in a healthy way on your end. If you move in with him without this being fixed you will eventually be miserable and his drinking is extremely likely to get worse. I’m betting that you know this as well.
Have the courage to work your side and get yourself into Al-Anon (1-888-425-2666) .
Good luck-Lisa
Hello,
My boyfriend and I met in the summer of 2009. He’s amazing, the most amazing guy I have ever met. We went to university together that fall, and he turned 19. As soon as he did, things started going downhill. By January, he was starting to drink alone if there were no parties to go to. This summer, we stayed with some of my family and started working. He got a job where he worked from 5 PM to 2 AM. Every night he came home, I would be sleeping. Sometimes he had only a few beer, and other times he would get hammered– all alone. Now we’ve moved in together and we are going to school again. He’s changed, he is inconsiderate of me, he doesn’t take my concerns opinions thoughts or ideas into account anymore. We fight all the time. There was one day this month that was very special to me, and I asked him to stay with me and comfort me, because it wasn’t going to be a good day. He chose drinking with his friends instead. When he goes out drinking, he tends to black out a lot. I usually go with him but I never drink as much or at all, in case something happens to him. At least then I know I will be there. I’m on the edge all the time, and I think alcohol is the main reason our relationship is crumbling. There is so much more to say, but I think this is enough. I’m so scared and I have no one to turn to. Where is the man I fell in love with? He denies having an alcohol problem but even my friends don’t like coming over because he always wants to drink. I don’t understand why he would want to throw away his beautiful life. He’s got everything and more going for him.
Hi I am Carmen. I have been living together with my fiance for 6 years. We have 2 kids and he’s drinking every single day for 4 years. He drinks grey goose and wine. He drinks 1 to 2 bottles of wine everyday. He gets stupid and wants to fight with every guy that looks at him or touches him. I don’t know what to do, please help me.
Dear Carmen: You need to have a conversation with your fiance about his drinking and how it’s affecting you and your relationship. I suggest that you put the marriage on hold unless he gets help for his drinking. If you marry him without him addressing his drinking, things will only get worse. I strongly recommend that you get into ALANON which is a program for family members of alcoholics. This program will give you tremendous support and all the meetings are free. Here is a website to look at as well as a number to call: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Phone: 1-888-425-2666
Good luck-Lisa
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She lived with me for 3 months and was the best thing that ever happened to me. We got along great and were both in love. I noticed her drinking habits were not normal and I confronted her about it. She got defensive and denied she had a problem. There after she was afraid to drink in front of me. She slowed the drinking down alot, then she was always tired sleeping on the couch at a early time of day. Suddenly after 3 months living together, my dream was shattered. She said she was moving out. When I asked her why she said she didn’t feel comfortable here. She said she can’t do what she wants. I said that she can do what ever she wants. She said I wouldn’t like that. Was she talking about the alcohol? Would a loving partner leave just to keep having that drink? I feel that I failed at another relationship because of me. I’m wondering if it was the drink she needs to have and she cant do it in front of me because she knows it would hurt me. Could that be the reason?
Dear Louie: If someone has a drinking problem they often will do anything to keep the drinking going…including ending a relationship with someone they love. If she truly has a drinking problem then the need for the alcohol becomes the most important thing in the person’s life. You were right to call her on her drinking. You can’t have a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone who has an active addiction–you will always come second. I’m sorry your relationship ended the way it did. You might find ALANON groups to be helpful. Al-anon is a support group for loved ones of alcoholics. Its a great way to get support and learn how to be healthier in relationships.
Just know that this does not sound like your fault. It sounds like the unfortunate destruction of addiction.
Take Care-Lisa
A happy marriage is a blessing, it is good for your health, it is good for your children, it is good for society and of course it is good for your own happiness and sense of worth!
I was dating a girl for 6 months. There were a few times she went over the line drinking and I had to physically assist her to and from the car. At the 6 month mark,my mother passed away after a battle with cancer. She couldnt make the trip with me to Pa. due to work and that was understandable.The day before I left to drive home from the funeral, I asked her to watch a video of still pics that was put together and running at the service.I wanted her to watch it with me so I could get my big cry out before the ashes ceremony. She was supposed to be at my apartment at 5:30 and instead,I get a call at 7:15 to come get her,she cant drive.She was at a team building event that had free drinks,and instead of coming to me at a time of dire need,she chose to collect others unused free drink tickets and see how many her and her friends could consume.
The next night my brother came into town and she got so intoxicated that i had to pick her up from the sidewalk,then leg lock and hold her down to keep her from driving or walking home. I was so hurt by her decisions and what felt like lack of respect for me.. as a person she supposedly was in love with. I tried to stay in it and continued to see similar actions for the next 5 months.All I wanted to do was help her and assure her safety. When we went our ways,I again expressed my concern of her drinking and her response was,”Well,you know I’m not perfect.” I know it wont change until she wants it to but its SO disappointing to think it never will.
Dear Scott: I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I’m also sorry your girlfriend wasn’t there for you. It sounds as though she has a drinking problem and doesn’t want to look at it. I’m glad to hear you have been able to take care of yourself and not stay in an unhealthy situation. Addiction is extremely disappointing and hard to watch. Thanks for sharing your story–I’m certain there are many other people who can relate.
Take Care-Lisa
My fiance of 3 1/2 yrs admits he has a problem with alcohol but he says he doesn’t have the will power to change – that its worse than trying to quit smoking and he cant even do that, he says. We recently split up because he has gotten progressively worse and began an internet fling since I’ve been out of town and he has been alone drinking at home. I know he loves me very much and he knows what his drinking has done to us but I just don’t know what more I can do. Am I doing the right thing by telling him that I love him too much to watch him continue to ruin his life by having any contact with him? I told him that unless he makes a choice to go through a program then not to contact me but that if he does decide that he is ready to get help than I will stand beside him and go through it together.
Dear Patty: You are right on! Well done…and I know that what you are doing is incredibly difficult. Staying with an active alcoholic who refuses to truly work on their addiction is a hard road for anyone and not a healthy one in my opinion. Your best chance for a healthy relationship is to stand by your words and see what he does. Do not throw your life away because he is choosing to throw his away. I wish other men and women had your courage. Stick with it–you are doing the right thing.
Warm regards-Lisa
Dear Lisa,
To keep a long story short: I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 1/2 years. Our relationship has been fraught with ups and downs due to complexities ranging from long distance, periods of unemployment (for both of us), and a four month break-up, after which we both decided to get back together. All the while, major cracks in our relationship have become apparent and include communication and trust. You see, alcohol has been a third party in our relationship from the beginning and while I have made major strides towards making my life healthier, my boyfriend does not/cannot stop. The past six months have included many alcohol fueled arguments during which we have both been drinking or only he has been drinking. My boyfriend has a lot of anger and rage during these arguments. He becomes verbally abusive and last week punched a hole in my wall and pushed me off the bed, leaving me with bruises on my back and arms. This happened one week after he promised me that he would make a good faith effort to control his drinking for the sake of our relationship. I truly love him but feel like I have already sacrificed/invested too much of myself only to be maltreated and disrespected. I truly believe that the alcohol abuse has contributed to our communication and trust issues, and I know that he has not dealt with a lot of the issues from his parents dysfunctional marriage/relationship. I feel there is nothing left for me in this relationship unless he stops drinking so he and we can properly deal with underlying issues. I truly love him and am extremely loyal. I believe that ‘every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.’ Am I a fool for thinking that I’d like a break from this relationship indefinitely – while supporting him through therapy only as a friend? My friends and family believe I should have nothing more to do with him.
Dear Jennifer: You’re right on for telling him you can’t be in the relationship while he continues to have this addiction. Being willing to support him is fine if he’s doing the work and getting into AA, regularly attending meetings, gets a sponsor and meets with an addictions specialist ongoing. Taking a break from the relationship is not you being crazy, it’s you taking care of yourself–and ironically any possibility of this relationship. I also suggest you get into and Alanon group for partners and family members of addicts.
Stay firm and trust your instincts.
Lisa
Dear lisa,
My fiance is a great person and he didn’t drink that much when we got together. He has recently began to up his drinking. Now that wouldn’t be such a problem. Except for the fact that drinking has ruined most of my family and it has caused many problems for him in his life. He knows how I feel about it and considering he and I have a 4 month old baby girl I don’t want this to get too out of hand. He was doing really well being sober but he has went from drinking once or twice a month to almost a six pack of beer every night. He is great when he is sober but he becomes this completely different person after he has been drinking whom I have began to resent. I don’t want our relationship to end because of his relationship with alcohol like my parents relationship did. Idk how to stop it. Please help!
Dear Cortney: Get into Alanon. You cannot stop his drinking–you don’t have control of him. The only person you have control of is you. Get into a good Alanon group and learn more about alcoholism and what NOT to do as a partner of someone with a drinking problem. Be careful about not being so worried to leave that you stay no matter what. That is no healthier than just turning and running away.
Good luck-Lisa
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs he works very long days & is a very hard worker . He does not socialize during the week so he isn’t indulging in alcohol. However, when the weekend rolls around he can’t crack a beer soon enough ! He does have some other issues in his life that he uses drinking to numb the pain … It is becoming a pattern & there are times when he can become verbally abusive. I feel he is taking his frustrations out on me … He apologized for his actions but I have heard it before . I said this is on-going I’m not putting up w it ! He said he would have some thinking to do … So , I don’t know if he is going to choose me or the alcohol ???
Dear Patricia: You did the right thing. Well done. I’m so sorry that your boyfriend may, in the end, choose the alcohol. Even if he does however, you’re better off being out of this relationship than being in it with someone who refuses to address his drinking problem and subsequently becomes verbally abusive. I wish more women would act with your strength in this situation. You did the right thing. i hope he does the right thing as well. If he doesn’t, however, do not back down.
I also recommend you attend Alanon groups or at least read up on it.
Take care-Lisa
I am dating this guy for about 15 months the problem is he just admitted that he has a drinking problem and swore that I knew. He then told me that he loves me and that he needs a couple of days to thinks. Well it’s been a week and everytime we have a disagreement about anything he seems to run. I want to let him know that I am their for him but how do I do that when he said he needs a couple of days. Also if I try to call he won’t answer until he destresses or drinks . I love him a lot and don’t want to lose him, I’m just not sure how to approach him now.
Dear Maureen: Give him space and let him figure out whether he will choose alcohol or you. In the mean time get into an Al-anon group today.
Lisa
My girlfriend recently moved in and I noticed she started drinking more and more. I left for a business conference and got a call from her saying she was checking herself into detox. I was shocked to find out that she wasn’t just drinking the glass or 2 of wine each night but slamming 4-6 before I got home and was even mixing shooters in her starbucks. She checked into rehab after detox and seemed to be doing well but due to a unfortunate miscommunication with her insurance, she checked herself out after 10 days. Now at home she is supposed to complete an IOP program but is treating it like a horrible chore, her attitude is really negative and she isn’t the same person that I fell in love with. I am finding myself getting frustrated and honestly a little depressed. I don’t know what to do, I’m not feeling confident that the girl I love ever actually came out of rehab. She seemed really happy up there but in the last 3 days home has not really done anything with her time and is very negative on the whole process as well as being pretty distant to me. I know she is smoking a lot, which she knows is a big issue for me, but it’s to the point now where she’ll barely even kiss me. Maybe there is some magic phrase that will make this pain all go away 🙂 here’s for wishful thinking.
I’ve been in a relationship for over three years. All of that time I’ve been spiraling down into the hellish world of total alcoholism. When I almost lost my job over it I got help. During all this the man I was with stuck by me. I quit drinking but seem to loose all interest in sex on my return. He tried and I would turn him away. He would try to be close and I was cold. Finally he had enough and now won’t answer my calls. I think my behavior killed his love. I’m unbelievably depressed because of loosing him. I completely understand why he left. I just don’t know how to get past this. I don’t eat, I can’t sleep. I was already on antidepressants so more won’t help. I’m not worried about drinking again because I never want to go there again. I knew this could happen,but just didn’t know how painful it would be. How do I get past this? How do I move on? I hardly ever cry and now can’t seem to stop. I thought when I quit drinking the worst of my nightmare would be over but this pain is so hard.
Dear Autumn: I’m so sorry for your pain. My suggestion is you get into counseling to help you through this difficult time. It may be helpful to look at why you pushed him away. Are you sad now because you’re single or because you truly loved him and now he’s not returning your calls? Talk to a professional and work through these issues as well as the depression.
Take Care-Lisa
Hello, I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 9 months now. When we met I noticed that she drank a bit much but attributed this to the company she was keeping at the time. After a short time those people vanished, the drinking subsided and it seemed to be just her and I. Not too long after this period of sobriety she got a great new job and she just seemed happier. But when the days became stressful & long she started drinking again to the point where she would crash to the floor. She would be convicted & say she would never go there again but it just seems like a reaccurring nightmare! I’m soo depressed over the idea of leaving her because she is such a kind person, just not to herself.
Dear James: it sounds like she may have an alcohol problem. I suggest you speak to her directly about your concerns and ask that she look at this piece. I also suggest you go to Alanon meetings which is a group for friends and family members of alcoholics. Alanon will help you to make a better decision about what you can do in this situation.
Don’t give up too quickly and don’t just sit and watch it happen–get educated about this issue.
Take Care-Lisa
My husband started drinking at age 12. We have been married 30 years. He is making financial choices like charging the alcohol, because he drinks 18 beers a day seven days a week. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on sadness fills me and my children. He is becoming violent, not remembering things and not the same person.
Dear Lisa: I’m so sorry you and your children are living with this. My best suggestion is for you to get into an Alanon group fast. Try several different groups in your area and choose the one that fits best. you need support and to be educated on how alcoholism effects families. If your children are teenagers they can attend Alateen. the number for Alanon is 1-888-425-2666.
Call today.
Lisa
I am 27 yrs old and started binge drinking young. I have ruined my relationships with my partners because of it. I don’t do it everyday or every weekend but I have had some awfully bad blackouts and been violent and verbally abusive and suicidal. I stop for a while and then have a fun day w friends and end up getting too drunk and blacking out starting a horrible fight with my boyfriend and saying awful things. He wants to break up with me. I have told him I am done with this alcohol crap and I wouldn’t drink hard liquor anymore. I did that for a while when i drank and one night I decided to take shots again and lost it. I love him so much and I am aware of my issue and keep losing control. I don’t know how to show him other than my weekly therapy visits and AA when I’ve gone in the past that I don’t want to do this to him or myself. I feel like him leaving is not going to solve anything. I really don’t know what else to do. Should I just let him go and accept that I messed it up and don’t do it in my next relationship.
Dear Lindsay: Your first priority needs to be your drinking. You said you went to AA in the past–I would start going again and get a sponsor. You also will want to look at what it is you’re running from? Why the need to medicate through alcohol? I would let your boyfriend know that you love him and will be focusing your energy on getting into recovery. Allow your sobriety to be your voice and see what he does. You’re young enough to to truly create a better future for yourself if you address the deeper issues now and remove alcohol from the equation for life.
Hang in there–you deserve a better life than you’re giving yourself.
Lisa
Lisa,
A good friend of mine sent this link to me because I have been dealing with an ex who is an alcoholic. His alcoholism has ruined his relationship with his daughter, his family, and me. I have been feeling so bad about leaving him because of it, but reading your article made me see that I had made the right choice, and that it is indeed, a serious addiction. I’m finally content with my decision, and I know that I may not see him again, but I’m finally okay with that. I don’t ever let alcohol control my life, and I don’t want to be with someone who let’s it. I don’t need an enhancer to enjoy life, and the fact that he needs one makes me incredibly sad. I appreciate all of the reply posts, and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. All of these stories sound SO similar to mine; unfortunately most of them will end the same way. Good luck to everyone, and stay strong. <3
Lisa,
I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend a week before I was due to move in with him, now I have to contact my housing association and withdraw my notice. I’d been with my boyfriend for 3½ years. He has a history of alcohol and drug abuse but got clean about 5-6 years ago. He hasn’t had any contact with his family for about 8 years and has a son who again he hasn’t seen for 8 years. Despite this he has come really far going without a drink for months and then starting to have a couple of drinks at the weekends which for a while he could handle but then would slowly increase the amount.He knows I don’t like when he gets drunk as his behaviour completely changes and he gets very unpredictable and can say upsetting things. He believes that he can control his drinking but I don’t think he can. I think he’s been nervous about me moving in properly (I’ve basically been living at his place for the past year more or less but have my own flat 5 min from his). His previous relationship ended badly, and it’s like he’s deliberally messing things up now if that makes sense. He’s been pushing my bounderies when it comes to the alcohol. Last weekend he had 30 beers! Yesterday he drank 10 beers during the day, he became very restless and suddently asked if I was bored cause in that case I could go and get him some more beers. When he realised that I wasn’t going to do it, he went to the bedroom for an hour or so. When he returned he became verbally agressive and swore at me and repeatedly asked me who I thought I was. “Ignoring him in his own home, he’d let me move in,he’d paid for an upcoming holiday and now I seemed to think that I’d got him round his little finger..” He kept swearing and told me to leave. He would never have treated me this way if he hadn’t been drinking.. So I packed my stuff and left.. I am right in thinking that drinking 10 beers both Saturday and Sunday is not exactly controlling your alcohol? I still love him but I don’t want to be with someone who can’t just have one or two drinks. I thought he was the one I was going to have a lovely life with and start a family with.
Dear Rikke: I’m so sorry to hear about your pain…and I’m really glad you had the courage to take care of yourself. Alcoholism is a very tough disease to live with. Unless he got treatment, your decision sounds right on. It sounds like he may have to work out a few key issues in his life before he can be truly available for anyone.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Me and my boyfriend have been together just over a year now and at first he would drink alot and take stuff that is bothering him out on me. He truly believes in karma and when he gets drunk his fears come out and he say things he doesn’t mean. He is a different person when he drinks. He says hurtful things he wouldn’t say if he was sober. He tells me he cant change that he has tried but everytime we get to a stage in our relationship that is another step his drinking starts almost as if he is scared and feels he doesnt deserve me because of things he has done in the past. Because of his past he doesn’t trust me. He knows I haven’t done anything for him not to trust me but that its his own insecurities..i don’t want to leave him because I know this isn’t him. I’ve seen the real him before..I need some advice please!
Dear Michelle: It sounds like he has a drinking problem and as long as that is in the picture it IS a part of who he is. He’s been honest with you that this is a part of his life. He’s said he hasn’t been able to change it. You now have to decide if it’s okay for this to also be a part of your life. you may love him when he’s sober, but that’s only one aspect of who he is. Can you live with him also when he’s drunk?
My suggestion is that you stop telling yourself that this isn’t him and begin to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that it absolutely is who he is choosing to be. Get into Al-anon groups and learn more about addiction and co-dependance and then make a more healthy decision about what you want to do.
Warmly-Lisa
I have been with my fiance for 5 years and he drinks everyday and says he’s going to only drink on weekends but I come home some days and he’s drunk at 5pm. I have currently moved out of the house and told him the only way I would ever come back is if he gets help and goes to AA. I do love him very much but our relationship is awful he fights with MY son that is seventeen and just is not kind. We have no relationship. Pretty much he spends more time with his best friend drinking then with me. I know I need to take a stand no matter how much it hurts but he needs to realize on his own he has a problem. How do I help him through this process? Or do I leave him to figure it out for himself?
Dear Heather: Follow through with your words–that is the best way to help him. you said you would not come back unless he goes to AA so–DON”T GO BACK. Let him sit in the discomfort of knowing his alcoholism is killing his relationship. I suggest you personally attend Alanon to help you learn about addiction and to get clarity on how to proceed from here. In the meantime–nice job! The moment you set this limit, it was the greatest gift you could give to your son and your fiancee (regardless of whether he sees it as a gift or not).
Stay strong-
Lisa
I been with my girlfriend for almost 6 yrs. And the relationship started off good but as time progressed I started drinking more and more. Now we got into an argument and she said something about her ex and I blacked out and hit her. It really hit me that I did it. I don’t know what to say to her to explain myself or even if I can. I tried to get help before but I don’t like the A.A meeting in my area what can I do? Help me please…
Dear Anthony: Get into treatment with a substance abuse/alcohol specialist. You need to get sober before you can work your relationship. Also, there are many different AA groups–you often have to try many groups until you find the one that is a good fit for you. Stop excusing your lack of sobriety and start truly getting sober. Doing that will be the best sign to your girlfriend that you are truly sorry and are going to do whatever you can to mend things.
Take Care-Lisa
my daughter is a alcoholic it hurts to see her in such a mess. She is living back home with me and I am helping look after her and my grandsons. its very stressfull and im so very tired. I work full time and can’t be there 24hrs a day to help assist care of the boys and my daughter. she has a alcohol worker, made attempts to get other services involved they all say they will help but never contact to provide the help not just for my daughter but for my grandsons and myself. I have begged for help but nothing I have in return I daont know what to do or who to turn to my house and my garden is a real big mess my daughter also suffers with depression. Its so painfull to see her like this I cant fix her and make her better.
It is not advisable to drink whiskey when you are in the age of elders- age ranging 60 and above. There are many old people who were not able to maintain the health of their body.
How do you stop drinking after years more than 10 years of drinking and youvw already gone to AA gyms and tried everything!
My husband wrecked and killed someone and injured another person. He spent almost 3 years in prison, after getting out he continued drinking, and driving, wrecking cars, being violent, etc., Does he have a rock bottom, I made him leave, is there anything I can do to help him?
It’s a pleasure to find someone who can identify the issues so clearly