1. Give your partner a hug every day. Give a hug hello, good-bye or good-night or anytime in
between. Make it longer than five seconds.
2. Talk to your partner un-interrupted everyday after work or after the children are in bed. This
doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation.—just a chance to update and check–in. You
can’t be connected if you don’t’ know what’s going on in each other’s life.
3. Block off some couples time every week. If you can manage a date, great. If not, then after
the children are in bed, shut the t.v. off, talk, play a game, joke around…connect. Twice a
month schedule a date night and get out together.
4. Before falling asleep, snuggle—for connection, not for sex. If every time a couple snuggles
one partner comments about or tries to initiate sex, often the other partner will just stop
snuggling.
5. Set limits around work. Create a work free time zone that both partners honor. During that
time no one is working (i.e. no work after 8:00pm).
6. Practice tender sprinkles every week. A tender sprinkle can be as simple as giving your
partner a compliment or as elaborate as planning and following through with a weekend
getaway.
7. Be playful. Bring back the flirting that attracted you both to each other in the first place.
Tease, joke, laugh, have fun.
8. Keep the criticism to a minimum and the compliments to a maximum.
9. Ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you’re not getting.
10. Every month check out with your partner how your relationship is going. If life has caught up
to you and you’re feeling distant then make plans to connect.
Remember that relationships take work. Keep your finger on the pulse or one day you’ll wake up and realize there is none.
Challenge: Begin to incorporate some of these touchstones into your relationship and see what happens. Choose two this week and follow through with them.
my bf says that he loves me and i am the only one for him. i love him so much. he does have a daughter and a past history. everything is a secret with him should i be worried. we did break up last year for 3 months and then we got back together. i met his mom for the first time last month. n that is a big step for him. but he textes other girls and everything. should i be worried that he is cheating on me or is he really happy
LISA”S REPLY: Yes, you should be worried. If “everything is a secret with him and he’s texting other girls and everything”…YES you should be worried. My guess however, is that you don’t need me to tell you that since I can tell by your comment that you’re already worried. Listen to your gut and stop trying to talk yourself into trusting him and the relationship when your gut is telling you otherwise.
I don’t know if he’s having an affair and nor do I think that’s really the issue. What it sounds like is he talks a good game but his actions don’t support his words. Does he treat you like he loves you?
You’re asking if he’s really happy; I believe the question you want to ask is are YOU really happy? If you’re insecure about his love for you and your worried he’s cheating, my guess is you’re not happy. If that’s the case than stop settling for crumbs, figure out what you need, from him and any relationship, and when you figure that out…don’t settle for anything less.
Warm regards-Lisa
I’ve never had a longer relationship than 3 months and I was wondering if I was ever gonna get further than that. Then I met this girl and we’ve been together for 3 months. Now I met her parents and she met my parents everything seems perfect and I’m really happy. I really want this relationship to work because I really love her, we almost broke up but we didnt and I actually cried. I never cried for any other girl.
I really love her but we fight alot is this normal? She’s a really jealous type. I have a lot of home girls and yea I talk to them but not that much. She has guy friends and I dont care I let her talk to them. She’s even hugged a few of them. It doesnt bother me but it seems that if a girl even smiles at me or waves she gets real mad. When she gets mad I try to make it up to her, but when I get mad she gets even madder. We dont fight a lot but the fights we do have shes threatening to break up almost every time. I really want this to work out because I see a future with her what can I do?
LISA’S REPLY:
Dear Jacob,
There are two things that come to mind regarding what you can do. The first is make sure you are not flirting with any other girls–even in play. This will foster distrust and it’s disrespectful to your girlfriend. You also need to put your girlfriend first, above these other friendships.
The second thing you need to do, is be clear that her jealousy is not okay with you. If you are being appropriate with other girls, clearly putting your girlfriend first, and not doing anything to promote her jealousy, than you have to set a limit on it.
Many people try to calm their partners down when they get jealous and think it’s nice that their partner cares that much about them; this is not correct. The best way to deal with jealousy is to be clear that it’s not okay and set a limit. This might sound like, “”I care about you very much and I really want us to work out, however your jealousy is becoming a problem for me. I need you to work on this and either stop it on your own, or get help to stop it.”
In my experience, when jealousy is not dealt with from the start, it only gets worse, more intense, and truly destroys relationships. First however…make sure you are clean on your end and not giving her anything to be jeolous about.
Good luck- Lisa