Are your in-laws driving you crazy? Is your partner complaining about your parents or siblings? Are you both struggling to find a healthy balance with your families of origin? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions then you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in a loyalty bind between their family of origin and their nuclear family.
So what do you do? Who comes first, your parents or your spouse? The answer to this question is–your spouse. Every time. Be very protective of your relationship. Imagine putting a protective “bubble” over the couple-ship. If you have children, then include them in this bubble. All other people are outside this bubble and come after your current family. All decisions are made from this place.
If you get stuck in the middle of your spouse and outside family members then follow these tips:
1. If your parents are treating your partner poorly–speak to them. Don’t ask your partner to
do so.
2. If members of your family of origin are intrusive–set limits. Be clear about when and under
what circumstances they can be involved with your family.
3. Do not bad-mouth each other’s parents or siblings. If you don’t like something they did then
speak about the behavior not the person.
4. If you are in doubt about who to side with, error on the side of your spouse.
5. Make time for your family as much as possible. Do not allow your families of origin to
disrupt this time.
Remember that you can love your parents, respect their input and ultimately choose what is best for you and your family. If your families of origin don’t respect that, then set limits with them.
Challenge: If your partner has been complaining about the role parents or siblings are playing in your relationship, take the time to listen. Brainstorm with your partner possible solutions and then take action to handle it. Remember to keep the protective bubble over you, your partner and your children…everyone/thing else is second.
Hi, I suppose I have a relationship issue that I would like to discuss.
Here it is – I am a pretty decent guy, well educated (over educated if you like) very respectful and soft spoken with people in general. A friend of mine started dating recently after getting out of a relationship where he was abusive of his gf, she would take advantage of him too. That is over, but now that he is dating he is jumping from woman to woman, kind of having a personal contest of sleeping with as many women as he can. I am not assuming this from his behaviour, it is what he told me. He recently met a young woman who I thought was very conservative and I sort of liked. If I were in the dating scenario, that is the kind of woman I would pursue or seek, atleast so I thought.
To my disgust my friend repeatedly insulted the womans character, boasting how he could bed her and that she was a slut. Guess what, the woman hardly knowing my friend, slept with him. Now, I have to rethink my choice and I am having trouble with myself and my choice. I know it is kind of inappropriate to get into other people’s business, but believe me the info was bombarded on me and I cant help it. Now, I wish I was in Alaska and never had faced this situation.