“Your partner’s experiences are important because they say they are—not when you decide they are.” ~LMB
Disagreements in relationships are normal, healthy, and to be expected. However, disagreeing is different than being told your opinions, experiences, concerns, etc., are wrong, insignificant, or not important. A pattern of dismissiveness shows up across issues big and small, which leaves you feeling unheard and disconnected. Examples of being dismissed include:
- Your partner saying, “You’re too sensitive, we were all just having fun,” in response to you saying you didn’t like being made fun of with their friends the night before.
- Your partner brushing off your concerns about their friend’s drinking and driving, telling you to stop making everything into a big issue.
- When you tell your partner you’re not feeling well and want to have a quiet weekend, they respond with, “You’re fine. You can handle going out.”
- After a particularly challenging meeting at work, you come home and vent about a frustrating interaction with a difficult colleague. Your partner responds by saying, “Why do you let them get to you? Just move on.”
- When you tell your partner you’d like to find some time to reconnect and have a date night, they respond with, “We’re fine. Be happy we’re not divorced like Tom and Sally. They went on date nights, and look how good that was for them.”
Dismissiveness and minimization can show up in countless ways. Sometimes the comments can be so subtle that you’re not even sure that’s what’s going on, while other times it can feel like a Mack Truck hit you. Either way, the insidiousness of repeatedly having your feelings, experiences, and words brushed off, minimized, or dismissed, undermines the relationship foundation—it’s impossible to feel close to someone who undermines your reality time and again. Over time, this toxic pattern leads to less sharing, more shutting down, and deep resentment. Sadly, the constant challenge to your experience can leave you questioning your reality rather than recognizing the other person’s toxic pattern.
Healthy relationships demand an honoring, acceptance, and integration of differing experiences, feelings, beliefs, etc.—this is the very foundation for thriving relationships. If one person becomes the “judge” of what matters, they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
CHALLENGE: If you are in a relationship with someone who consistently dismisses, minimizes, or questions your upsets, experiences, feelings, wants/needs, etc., then you need to know this: the problem is NOT you. The problem is their non-relational, toxic communication pattern. Recognize the dismissiveness when you see it, address their pattern, and don’t, for a moment, question your reality.
Read the first blog post in this series: Toxic Behavior # 1 Volatile Anger
