“Standing up to harmful behavior is as necessary in your home as it is on the job and in the world.” ~LMB
Last week’s post talked about Standing Where Others Cower. This week’s post shares how to do this.
The daily toxic messaging spewing from social media, inundating political discourse, and entering every facet of life is leaving an indelible mark of violence and harm. This shift creates a world where integrity and values grow fuzzier by the day, making it easy to forget the foundational guardrails of humanity at its best. It’s even harder to safely find ways to stand up when those guardrails are dropped, ignored, or blasted through. And yet, standing up to harmful behavior is as necessary in your home as it is on the job and in the world. Without this ability, thriving relationships, work cultures, and nations remain unreachable. Below is your guide for standing up to harmful behaviors—toward you or toward others.
10 Tips for Standing Up to Harmful Behavior
- Avoid minimizing harmful behavior: Don’t laugh it off, shrug it off, or try to move past the interaction in an effort to reduce discomfort—for yourself or others.
- Call out sexist, racist, and harmful comments made in jest or otherwise: Look them in the eye and state your truth. (E.g., “That comment is racist. It’s neither funny nor okay.” “The way you talk about women is disrespectful. Stop it.”)
- Be the mirror: Hold up a figurative mirror to their behavior by naming what they’re doing: “You just mocked your wife in front of a room full of friends and family.”
- Report the behavior: Tell HR, file a police report, or notify the appropriate authority.
- Stand next to, in front of, or behind the person being teased, mocked, or intimidated and offer support.
- Ask a question—with a grounded voice: “Are you trying to mock me?” “Are you sexually harassing her?”
- Do not wait to address behaviors in private that took place in public: Look at the person in the eyes while you state, “The way you’re speaking to me is not okay. If you think it’s okay to speak to me like this because our friends are here, it’s not. Stop it.”
- Remove watered-down language: (e.g., “I just wish,” “I don’t want to be mean but,” “I may be crazy but,” “This might sound demanding”).
- Set a clear limit: “If you mock me or call me names again in front of friends, I will take the car and drive myself home.”
- Ramp up your limit and follow through: “You mocked me again last night with our friends. I will no longer go out with you and friends until you prove I can trust you to treat me well when we’re out with others.”
Standing up to harmful behavior can feel invigorating; it can also feel scary. Be sure to assess risk whenever standing up is necessary. In situations where directly confronting someone may put you or others in harm’s way, look for other ways to stand up that protect you while helping others. When physical safety is at risk, consider non-confrontational interventions such as:
- Calling for help in a crowded place (find an officer, a bystander, an employee) and inform them of the situation.
- Reporting the incident to the appropriate person (e.g., a boss, teacher, HR).
- Making an anonymous report to the appropriate system or person.
- Calling the police.
- Sending an anonymous letter regarding the harmful behavior to the perpetrator’s boss, parent, spouse, etc.
At the end of the day, your job is to step in for the safety of others as you would wish others would step in for you.
Challenge: Find the courage to stand up for yourself with everyone you interact with. Make sure your words and actions are aligned as you teach others how to treat you. Extend this courage to others as you stand up to harmful behavior directed at them.
