When it comes to disagreements, too many people are so invested in their story that they end up putting up a figurative wall that blocks solution. Below are 5 tips to let down your walls and actually engage in a healthy conversation.
1. Listen to the other person’s point of view. Stop trying to be so invested in proving your point of view that you ignore the other person’s. Listen to their message in the same way that you would like them to listen to yours.
2. Do not assume intentions. Have the humility of knowing that you do NOT know why someone does something. Almost without fail when we assume someone’s intentions, we assume they’re negative. Common intentions people think is that the other person wanted to hurt them, meant to undermine them, purposely tried to get them mad etc. Seldom does anyone know what’s going on in the head of someone else so stop assuming you know. Instead ask if your assumption is correct (“Are you trying to get me mad?”)—Don’t assume it is.
3. Stop interrupting and allow them to speak. If you’re constantly interrupting another person’s story than you’re not listening. Instead, you’re trying to argue your case. Just listen. Allow the person to say what they need to say and calmly take it in. After they’re done, then you can share your side and ask that they give you the same respect you gave them.
4. Stay calm and respectful. If you feel yourself getting worked up…PAUSE. Close your mouth, take a deep breath and calm your heart rate down before you say another word. Once you begin to yell, swear call names or move in intensity, you’re no longer effective or rational. Step back and get yourself in control.
5. Use healthy boundaries and self-esteem. Know that you have inherent worth regardless of what another person says or mistakes you may have made. Do not let what others say rock you to your core. Remember to filter what they’re telling you by asking yourself if it’s true for you or not and if the information is about you or not. Just because someone tells you something about yourself does not mean it’s true. If it is true, then have the courage to take it in, look at it and repair it, fix it or change it. Be accountable not defensive. When being accountable also remember to hold yourself in warm regard despite your imperfections.
When it comes to disagreements, fights or arguments, the overall rule is to be clean on your end. Being clean means to speak respectfully not aggressively, listen with curiosity not defensiveness and hold yourself accountable as well as others. It’s easy to yell, defend and attack in an argument. It’s not so easy to stay calm, listen and problem solve. Attacking will harm relationships in the long run. Problem solving will build relationships. In any argument, be clear about what’s more important to you—winning by domination or building a great relationship through problem solving.
Challenge: For the next month be determined to change your fighting style if it’s been ineffective or harmful for you in the past. Slow things down and take in the other person’s point of view. You don’t have to agree, you just have to understand it. Stay calm and be respectful not aggressive. Note what you feel as a result.
Awesome article: I would add only one thing: if your partner doesnt seem to be able to do any of these things EVER, no matter how many times you’ve talked about it, leave!
The article is a good one and it sounds wonderful, wish things were that easy, but unfortunately when people fight, there is no fair fighting. One always tries to defend their statements and feels the other is trying to put it down. The sad part is no one wins in an argument of any kind. There will always be one that feels they were not given a fair deal. IT is usually the one that finally gives in and lets the other have their way. The comment about leaving if the partner doesn’t do any of these EVER, is also a wonderful answer, but again it is not an easy thing to do for a woman or a man, it can be done, but NOT without paying a heavy price and it takes an enormous toll on ones family and life. IF there are willing to pay that toll then leave.
Anger has never made a bad situation better, agreed. But I’m not sure that “playing stupid” helps either (#2 about being humble); misunderstandings do happen, but most of the time, if someone’s saying more than one obnoxious thing, it’s because they’re trying. The reasons why people pick fights are rarely as simple as “trying to undermine me”, and could be that they’re bored, frustrated, or passing on anger that they received from someone else. But as likely as not, they don’t know why they’re doing it either. We’re unfortunately not trained to recognize our irrationality; we feel something, like anger, and look for a proximate cause, like that annoying thing my spouse is doing. Reality: my spouse does that annoying thing every day and 9 days out of 10 I don’t even notice. But today, my boss yelled at me and traffic was terrible and the last straw was my annoying spouse.
Dear RG: Just for clarity “playing stupid” and being humble are too entirely different things. I would never advise anyone to play stupid–that doesn’t serve you. Being humble is about not judging or looking down your nose at others with contempt. It’s about realizing that we’re all humans and therefore mess up.
Hope this helps with clarity.
Lisa