The dance that’s quietly eating away at your relationships, teams, and culture
“Quick fixes work — until they’re the acid eating away at everything you care about.“ – Lisa Merlo Booth
Men bullying and women silencing is a costly dance, played out ad nauseam.
It starts at birth, with The Triple Threat (patriarchy, gender socialization, misogyny) indoctrinated by cultures around the world. Boys are trained to toughen up–compassion down. Girls are trained to compassion up–back down.
The result: those on the “masculine” side of the equation master the effective use of anger, intimidation, and fear. Those on the “feminine” side master the art of putting everyone else’s needs first — going along to get along.
Regardless of which side of the equation you land, the truth is: you do what you do both because of your training and because it works (in the short run). Anger and silence fuel each other.
Men learn early that intimidating anger gets results. In your home, if you don’t want to talk about something — snapping at your wife, “This conversation is over!” is a much quicker conversation stopper than, “Honey, I’d rather not talk about it.” The angry response elicits the perfect amount of fear — just enough to shut her up but not so much that she will leave.
Using intensity to dictate a conversation or demand a certain outcome plays out in the workplace as much as it does in homes. An angry boss stops overt disgruntlement in its tracks. An intense colleague shuts down dissent before it starts. People hate being intimidated by anger — and it works anyway. Giving up your anger means letting go of the perks your anger gives you.
Silence works the same way, in reverse. Women silence themselves because they know speaking up means their partner gets more emotional, more intense, MORE ANGRY. If you’ve ever walked on eggshells around someone’s anger, you know: pushing back means signing up for a fight.
You’re acutely aware that angry husbands, bosses, whoever, are slow to calm and quick to detonate, especially when called out. So you placate. It works. You stay “safe,” he calms down, and life moves on.
…and so the dance continues. He continues to toughen up–compassion down. She continues to compassion up–back down. The pattern continues until someone is brave enough to stop their reflex –– to stop silencing, or stop intensifying.
Here’s the harder truth though: women aren’t the only ones who let men off the hook. Anger, rage, intensity, volatility — intense emotions designed to get people to back off –– do get people to back off. And sadly, the more everyone backs off, the bigger the beast grows — in a family, a team, a nation.
Here’s the problem though: anger works in the short run. It gets people off your back.
Rage scares people into submission. Intensity pushes people away. In the moment, that can feel like winning. Over time, it’s the opposite: anger drives people away, breaks relationships, guts teams, and destroys cultures. Volatility gets old. Left unchecked, it corrodes everything it touches.
Eventually, most people grow wary of reactivity. They grow tired of living or working somewhere emotionally unsafe. Spouses divorce. Bosses get fired. Teams collapse when volatility is running the show.
Stop playing into this toxic dance. It may “work” in the moment –– but over time it’s acid, eating away at the core of your relationships and our culture.
Challenge: If people tell you your anger is a problem — listen. Creating fear all around you may have you “winning” in the short run; however, you and everyone you love will lose in the end.
Get help. You deserve better. So do they.
If silence or placating around anger is your move, notice what your silence costs you and everyone around you. Saying nothing tells people harmful behavior is acceptable — and your silence becomes complicit in more of it. You deserve better. So do they.
