Relationships Are Relationships — At Home, At Work, In the World

The size of the relationship changes. What breaks it never does.

“The rules for one are the rules for all — make this so for every relationship in your life.” – Lisa Merlo Booth

Two of the most difficult struggles in any relationship are knowing what is and is not acceptable and knowing how to draw the line when someone crosses into the unacceptable territory. 

Countries are no different than individuals when it comes to these struggles. And man-o-man do people and countries struggle with drawing the line—and women in particular. 

Courageous accountability, though, is vital if you have any desire to build a healthy, thriving culture in your home, on the job, or in the world.

When it comes to relationships, people, and nations, they get caught in the exact same struggles:

• What is okay and what is not okay?
• Should I say something, do something, allow or not allow a certain behavior?
• Should I end, leave, quit, or stay (in the relationship, on the job, in the country)?
• If others are doing it, is it okay for me to do the same thing?
• If I’m doing it for a good reason, does that make my behavior okay?

The country itself seems to be in a polarized free-for-all regarding many of the above concerns that its citizens are fiercely playing out on a daily basis. 

For example:

• Political discourse about what’s okay or not okay ending in shouting matches, broken friendships, and family cutoffs.
• Citizens raging at strangers on the streets, in stores, and in cars. Much like perpetrators of domestic violence, they justify their violence by misplacing the blame onto the victims they harm.
• A lack of consensus from our leaders of what is okay and not okay for anyone in a government position to display—irrespective of party lines. The lack of clarity leads many leaders to sacrifice their values and integrity to gain votes or grow power.
• Citizens and government officials alike excusing, ignoring, or glossing over egregious harms (sexual assault, harassment, trafficking, etc.) by whichever party that person belongs to or company that person runs.
• Good people okaying toxic, even violent behaviors that happen to “others,” yet becoming enraged and indignant when a similar incident happens to themselves or their party.
• A growing trend of “us against them” and an intense demand for conformity and loyalty that leaves both “us” and “them” angry, disconnected, and harmed.

Building healthy, life-changing relationships, teams, and cultures requires moving away from these polarizing stances and righteous beliefs that shame many and exalt few. Creating Radically New Cultures™ requires that “right and wrong” are determined by humanity, not privilege, power, “sides,” or (fill in the blank). It demands that you and all its members be grounded in integrity, character, and courage. 

When humanity and integrity are your anchors, the rules for one are the rules for all.

This anchoring starts with three of the most basic, absolutely non-negotiable rules of engagement:

1. Physical and/or sexual abuse is not okay on any level at any time by anyone—towards you or by you. If someone is violating this rule, you have the right to protect yourself in any manner that is necessary to keep your body and life safe.
2. Verbal and emotional abuse are not acceptable on any level at any time by anyone. Yelling, swearing, name-calling, coercive control, shaming, lying, volatility, threats, intimidation, gaslighting, etc., are all forms of emotional abuse.
3. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect—including you and those around you. You can have hard conversations and still be respectful. You can be angry and still be respectful. You can adamantly disagree and still be respectful.

Without the presence of these basic rules, the foundation of any couple, team, company, or nation is unstable at best and harmful at worst. Lack of safety breeds distrust, fear, dishonesty, and lack of authenticity. Without these core characteristics, creating a thriving culture is unattainable—in your home, on the job, in the world.

Challenge: 

Building thriving relationships at any level cannot happen if you go along to get along, justify harmful behaviors, or demand others treat you well, while you fail to treat others well. Thriving relationships can only happen when the foundation of those relationships, teams, and cultures is minimally safe and thoroughly grounded in character, integrity, and courage.