I’ve been receiving e-mails from men regarding their partners having affairs. The message to men is the same as it is for women: you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who treats you well. If your partner has an affair, the only way to begin the healing is if your partner is willing to repair the damage.
Repairing the damage requires that the person who had the affair first and foremost is remorseful. Yikes—do I really have to say this? Please—men and women alike—if your partner is not remorseful after having an affair, your relationship is dead unless they get remorseful. Partners who justify or blame their partners for their straying will NOT make good partners. That is ludicrous.
Here’s the rule: no remorse—no healing. If your partner is not remorseful for the pain they caused DO NOT TRUST THEM. Get into couples work. If your partner is not remorseful and refuses couples work–then walk. Really–walk fast.
Lack of remorse is a major indicator of an on-going affair or a high probability of another affair in the future. Do not allow your fear and/or desperation to keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy.
There must be remorse for any healing to take place. Learn to recognize what is and is not remorse. True remorse can be seen and felt. You will also see it through their actions. When someone is remorseful, they are willing to do whatever’s necessary to repair the damage they did. They will make sure to answer your calls to help reassure you that they are where they said they would be. They’re willing to talk to a professional to help you process what happened. They’re willing to open their e-mail and cell phone to you for a period of time, if that’s what you need. They’re willing to sit with you and hold you when you get triggered about the affair.
Are you getting the gist of what remorse looks like? Hearing the words I’m sorry is not remorse. You should FEEL it. Do not settle for just the words.
If your partner is not remorseful for betraying you—your relationship is in trouble. If they’re justifying their affair because of how you are as a spouse—your relationship is in trouble.
CHALLENGE: If your partner is not remorseful for their affair or justifies it because of your behavior, insist on seeing a professional who is strong enough to hold your partner (and yourself, when necessary) accountable directly and unequivocally. If they refuse, know that the future of your relationship does not look bright. Have the strength to take care of yourself and get the help you need to do that.
Lisa,
What a good post- I’m forwarding it to a few of my clients.
I think your comment that “I’m sorry” isn’t enough needs to be emphasized. Many people who have an affair get the attitude “I said I’m sorry; that should be good enough.”
It isn’t. You are right, real remorse can be felt, seen, and heard.
Keep up the great writing!
Kim
DEAR KIM: Thanks for highlighting the fact that the words “I’m sorry” do not mean the person is remorseful.
Thanks for passing the post on:-)
Take care-Lisa
“Here’s the rule: no remorse—no healing. If your partner is not remorseful for the pain they caused DO NOT TRUST THEM.”
Excellent point, Lisa. People become so desperate to repair relationships that they are willing to put on blinders and choose not to trust the intuition that’s served them so well in other parts of their lives. People ask yourselves this: If your baby sitter abused your child and refused to apologize for doing so, would you ask them to sit again?
Lack of remorse is more than lack of trust. It is also the sign of a personality disorder. Lack of empathy, guilt, remorse. If this is indeed the situation, RUN LIKE HELL, it will not get better! The articles here are very good, however, addressing personality disorders, such as narcissism and psychopathy would help more women and men understand that remorse, guilt and any empathy from their partners is impossible. Spread the information of personality disorders. There are many more than you may realize.
I believe that lack of remorse may reveal a glimpse of Borderline Personality Disorder (which is often misdiagnosed as only one of these, but is usually both plus the BPD symptoms: Narcissistic Rage and BiPolar Disorder). But do not let their possible disorders cloud your focus. More than likely you (the cheated spouse) or someone else has already talked to them about their behavior before and they just simply will not seek help. If you cannot get your spouse to therapy (secular or Christian), you have a timebomb waiting to go off again.
My husband says he feels remorse for hurting me and for damaging our marriage. But he refuses to say that having the affair was wrong. I can’t tell if he’s just taking a defensive posture because he can’t accept how horribly he’s behaved, or if he’s a narcissist who is incapable of feeling true remorse or empathy.
It’s so hard to start rebuilding when I don’t feel remorse. Yet how can you ask for it? It’s so humiliating to keep spelling out what you need in the horrific damaged lonely place the the discovery of two years of lying has dumped me. I’m old guys, 69, far too old to be experiencing full on betrayal for the first time. Yet, she will say, you too have betrayed. And yes, I have. But never you and never again. I suppose I just have to wait it out. We have 3 children, 14, 6 and 3. And I’m waiting for a sorry I can trust.