I’ve worked with many couples over the years impacted by affairs. Inevitably the partner who was cheated on wants to know all the details; in particular, they want to know if their partner had sex with this person.
So what’s the right answer? Do you tell your partner you did and run the risk of him/her ending the relationship or do you lie and hope like hell you never get caught? First, let me just say this is not an easy decision to make; I understand the fear surrounding telling the truth. And…I believe telling the truth is the best avenue. Pulling a Bill Clinton, as history has shown, can often back fire and lead to a much rougher road in the end.
If you had an affair, and you truly want to work things out with your spouse/significant other, then I believe honesty is the best policy. Being honest about what really went on allows you to focus on repairing the relationship without having to keep up a lie. It allows you to start fresh with integrity.
Being honest with your partner will also help take away those nagging feelings and doubts s/he will have if you lie. You see, the partner who was cheated on picks up on the lies. S/he knows something doesn’t feel right and subsequently has a much more difficult time trusting and moving forward.
You cannot build a new, healthier relationship based on a lie. If you’re going to truly try to strengthen your marriage take the guilt, lies, and dishonesty out of the equation and see what happens. If your partner finds out several weeks or months later that you did in fact have sexual relations with this person, after you swore up and down you didn’t, you’re on very shaky ground. This will make healing much more difficult and prolongs the process of repair.
If you’re bold enough to have an affair, be adult enough to own up to it. It may be the best chance your marriage has of recovering.
Challenge: If your partner is aware of another person in your life and asks you for the truth…give it. If you have any interest in re-building a stronger relationship the truth is your best foundation for that future.
Coming from experience, I couldn’t have said that better myself.
It makes it easier to know instead of wondering and imagining, our imaginations make it all much more romantic and special than it ever was, so hearing it from your spouse is much better than making up a Lifetime Movie in our heads.
I think it totally depends on the level of detail. I have had three affairs in my twenty plus years of marriage. When my wife learned of this, she obsessed over every little detail. It made little difference in telling her, it didn’t resolve the pain she felt. Nor did it help us to move forward. In fact, I think hearing the tiny bits of where we met, what we discussed, what we did, etc only made it worse. I advise both of you to decide early on if you wish to work through this to pick an appropriate level of detail.
If you want intimacy then the strength to speak the truth is vital to feeling known, loved, and accepted (which is what we all want, right?). It takes courage to trust the process of honesty. Some people decide to take it to their graves. Some people only trust themselves (not really even themselves), or rationalize what the other doesn’t know won’t hurt (not true). I believe that we are as sick as our secrets, and walled off parts of our mind creates other problems. Mistrust. Projection. All affairs are different. I think we are all vulnerable to affairs, and need to be conscious of this. If you think it can’t happen to you, I think you are more vulnerable. If someone wants to make sincere change and amends, I think a lot is forgivable. The willingness to sit through the consequences of the fall out is part of the amends. The willingness to attend to the pain the behavior caused is part of the amends and demostration of sincere change. I don’t think anyone can take the (non offending) partner’s inventory about what they need to heal and how long. Gently guiding them toward healing and what they need to trust again is delicate. When I work with couples revealing this turbulant information, I do ask the non offending partner to really think about what information they need to heal and what information is going to make them obsess and hurt more. This is only for their own good, not to protect the offending partner. Both parties need individual and joint supports to heal this. I am refreshed when I see the offending partner willing to bend over backwards to help their partner heal. They should. That is powerful and loving. I don’t see it that often though. The shame so intense it is easy to run away or blame their partner.