Sadly, many couples and families are impacted by alcoholism every day. As many people can attest, the damage caused by this addiction can be very long-lasting and far-reaching. The question many partners of alcoholics have is how long should they hang in there — when is their partner truly in recovery and when should they say enough’s enough and get out?
I don’t live in your shoes so I won’t tell you whether you should leave a relationship or not. I can, however, give you a fairly good idea of the warning flags that signal there’s likely to be trouble ahead. If those red flags don’t get cleared up fast, the pendulum starts to weigh much more heavily on the side of leaving.
Red flags that there’s likely more trouble ahead:
• Your partner’s drinking has become a definite problem in your relationship, but they are in denial about their drinking.
• Your partner has made numerous promises to get help, but has never followed through for any substantial period of time.
• Your partner refuses to get any type of alcohol treatment and becomes angry when you suggest this.
• Your partner’s drinking has progressively gotten worse over the years.
• Your partner becomes volatile or belligerent when drinking.
• Your partner continues to lie.
• Your partner says they’re in treatment, but is attending meetings randomly, has no sponsor and makes endless excuses about why they can’t make a meeting or get into a program/therapy, etc.
• Your partner is irresponsible and unreliable due to their drinking.
• Your partner gets defensive when you call them on their drinking.
The bottom line when it comes to alcoholism is…it needs to be treated. Your partner absolutely needs to be seeing an addictions specialist, attending meetings and abstinent from alcohol. If your partner is in denial, is refusing to get into treatment to address their drinking,or randomly follows through with treatment, you’re likely to have a rough road ahead.
Regardless of what your partner does or does not do, however, it is a wise idea for you to get yourself into Al-Anon and work on your side of things. Often partners of alcoholics struggle with co-dependency and need to address this issue if they hope to have a healthier life. Don’t wait for your partner’s moves—make your own. Remember, Changing Me, Changes We—start changing you regardless of what happens with you and your partner. Healthy people don’t settle for unhealthy relationships. Be clear with your partner about what you need and what you are not willing to accept. Set limits every time you need to and work on that co-dependence!
Challenge: If you’re living with an alcoholic, get yourself into Al-anon and/or individual therapy to address your core issues. Be clear with your partner about where you stand with their drinking and set limits that you follow through with.
Hi, I have been dating a man who I believe may be an alcoholic for about 6 months. I am separated and about to be divorced in the next couple of weeks. I have three small children who he has never met.
When I first met this guy I thought he was the sweetest most kind person. He would drink one or two drinks when we were out but our meeting were brief and I did not see any red flags. As we spent more time together, I saw that in one night he could drink at least 12 beers – and in the course of a whole day as many as 15 to 20. I have seen him suddenly fall asleep at 2/3 am after a night of socializing. He frequently likes to sing and dance with others when drinking. Apparently his brother drinks quite a bit and his father drinks to some extent. This is a well educated family who is well respected in town. His father was a Superintendent of Schools in his home county.
He is quite charming and has alternatively told me he is “damaged goods” and I’m a “hot mess”. He admitted alcohol played a role in the failure of two marriages. (no kids). He has given me mixed messages such as I’m a rebound guy I’m not here for the long haul, to I would take good care of you, and I”m getting pretty attached to you, why didn’t you marry me? and what would I think about having a baby with him?
I know this guy is toxic but I have developed strong feelings for him. My question is..should I go to his mom and dad with my concerns for him? I only met them once for Easter dinner. Should I encourage him to get help? I am not sure really what is the best thing. He is a really sweet, dear man. He has so much potential – I wish it could be different. Advice?
Best, SJ
Susie, I think it’s tempting to want to work with the effort you have already expended in this relationship. However, this man has clearly stated what sort of person he really is and has told you. One question I always ask myself is, ‘ Would I like my child to grow up to be like this man with the values I see he has? ” Kind of puts it into perspective for me. There are so many men out there who have potential. However, waiting for that potential to materialize could take a very long time, if ever. There are also a lot of men out there who are mature and ready for a relationship and have the ability to nurture an adult relationship with a woman. What would prevent you addressing the issue honestly with him rather than through his parents? Just curious.