Easter is in a couple days and many families will use this day as an opportunity to come together and celebrate. As many people know, however, family gatherings are not always positive events. Below are a few tips on how to make these get-togethers a positive experience for those families who tend to struggle with one another at gatherings and otherwise.
When having a celebration:
1. Celebrate. Celebrations are NOT the time to bring up old upsets, angry feelings or serious disagreements. Put all your ill feelings aside for the time being and just enjoy the moment. There will be plenty of time, on a different day, to discuss hard feelings. Today is not that day.
2. Monitor your alcohol consumption. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, if you don’t like a family member normally, you will like them even less when under the influence. Be a grown up not a teenager and stay sober, respectful and keep your wits about you.
3. Talk more with the family members you enjoy. Whenever possible, keep interactions with those you struggle with, to brief, pleasant interactions and have larger conversations with those you like. Don’t ignore or avoid—that’s rude and obvious.
4. Use your boundaries. Stop looking for things that annoy you and use a psychic boundary. Don’t assume a person’s intentions, make up what they really “meant” when they said…(fill in the blank) or read into their behavior/body language/look etc. Stay centered. If you’re reactive, you’re not practicing good boundaries.
5. Always take the high road. Leave contempt, sarcasm and judgment out of the occasion. When you start looking down on others, they feel it and you’re off. If they do something hurtful or offensive—set a limit. Remember that their poor behavior is not a green light for yours.
6. Keep it short if you have to. It’s better to have short spurts of positive experiences than it is to have a couple hours of a good time followed by a blow out. Stay respectful and make the most of the time you have.
The truth is that we never know how long we have on this earth. Although families can be difficult at times, try to make the most of what you have. Always be respectful and don’t accept anything less from others. If you need to set a limit do so from a centered place, not a reactive angry one.
CHALLENGE: If you struggle with family gatherings, follow though tips above and make sure to hold yourself accountable for being relational even when others are not. Be positive when you can and set limits when you have to.
Good luck and Happy Easter!
Your suggestions above are excellent. But I need guidance on how to handle this in reverse. The in-law family are heavy drinkers, I do not like to be around it, so I don’t attend family functions. We are in the midst of a long standing dispute; one of the family members, they just don’t like to observe boundaries and mind their own business, how can a person handle a family function that has heavy drinking and abusive/obnoxious behavior?
Dear Susan: You can try to attend the functions early and leave as soon as the behavior begins to go down hill. You can also have a conversation with the most receptive in-law and let them know you’d like to have a relationship with their family but don’t feel comfortable around the heavy drinking and mean behavior. See if they’re open to having lunch with you instead or let them know you’ll come to the parties for a couple hours and then head out. If it the drinking or mean behavior gets to be too much before the two hours you will leave sooner. Say this without judgment or disdain; this is simply you setting a limit for yourself.
Discuss this with you partner as well so they are in on this decision.
Take care-Lisa