It’s no secret that affairs rock relationships; they break the trust and shake the foundation to its core. Most people don’t realize that even in the best of circumstances, healing from an affair often takes between three to five years. For those couples who don’t have the best of circumstances in place, it can take forever, if it heals at all.
If your relationship has been impacted by an affair, here are some red flags to watch out for. If, within the first six months to a year following the discovery of the affair, any of these are present in your relationship, I suggest you and your partner seek professional help to aid with the healing.
- Your partner does not want to talk about it and keeps asking if you’re ever going to let him/her hear the end of it. If your partner is not willing to discuss the affair with you, it’s unlikely you both will be able to heal from it. If your partner gets angry whenever you get triggered rather than turning to comfort you, then know you’re on shaky ground.
Your partner continues to lie about little things. If your partner is: continuing to not be home when expected, hiding cell phone calls or e-mail messages, giving questionable explanations for odd behaviors, or telling you half truths–be concerned. Following the discovery of an affair, the cheating partner should be going out of her/his way to show you how trustworthy s/he is. There should be nothing hidden, no mixed messages, and no lapses in memory etc.
Your partner says s/he’s confused and isn’t sure what to do. This typically means s/he still has feelings for the affair partner and isn’t sure who to choose. If your partner cheated on you and isn’t pleading forgiveness and clear that s/he wants YOU, then get stronger and realize you deserve to be with someone who loves you and ONLY you. I’ve seen too many couples in this scenario get stuck two years down the road in another affair–or worse yet, the same affair that just never ended.
Your partner minimizes the affair and/or blames the affair on you or your relationship. If your partner is trying to say it meant nothing or it was no big deal, you’re in trouble. Affairs are huge big deals and until your partner owns that and treats it as though it’s the big deal it is your relationship will struggle. Similarly, if your partner attempts to blame the affair on your lack of attention, poor treatment, indifference or (Fill in the blank), then your relationship is likely in trouble. As long as you’re to blame, your partner does not have to look at her/his behaviors that resulted in the affair; this increases the likelihood of another affair in the future.
Your partner continues to interact with her/his affair partner via work, phone, e-mail, or in person (regardless of whether or not there is continued sexual contact). If your partner is adamant that s/he is going to continue to have contact with the other person, this is a red flag that your partner’s not truly willing to do anything to repair the damage done. This is a no-brainer if the affair was not in the work setting in which case there is no reason for your partner to have continued contact (if s/he is, it’s a red flag the affair is still going on). If the affair partner is also a co-worker, continuing to work together often slows the healing process and in some cases grinds it to a stop.
Affairs rock relationships to the core and require a great deal of effort to heal from. Know the warning signs that tell you your partner may not be as sincere and remorseful as s/he says. Make sure you are clear that it is a privilege to be in your inner circle and those closest to you need to treat you best in order to remain in that circle.
You can heal from an affair when both parties are doing their best to work their side. If any of the red flags are present, the betraying partner is not doing that.
CHALLENGE: If your partner had an affair and any of the red flags are present, know you are on shaky ground. Get stronger, seek help, and don’t allow fear to keep you in an unhealthy relationship (fear of angering your partner, being alone, financial concerns etc.). If there was no fear involved how would your actions be different? Start addressing your fears by taking steps to reduce it rather than being paralyzed by it.
I have only done it once and found messages from some guys, and confronted her about it, she says I don’t trust her if I look in her cell phone.
LISA’S REPLY: Chances are if you’re looking at her cell phone you probably aren’t trusting her. If she already had an affair be honest with her and tell her you don’t. Now that you saw the numbers on her phone let her know you’re concerned and want to talk about it. If she gets defensive and refuses to talk to you about it or turns it around on you, it’s a red flag. Don’t ignore it.
Take care-Lisa
I am going through a situation like that. My boyfriend had an affair for about 6 months. I found out in June and I am trying to give him a chance. He really is showing some sincerity of me being the “one”. He has broken things off with the other woman. I have verified this by finding a couple of goodbye notes from her at his house. However, when she called me she told me she was pregnant and he denied it. I believed him but then i found an ultrasound and some baby registrys with both their names on it. He insists the child isn’t his. I think he has cutoff contact with her as she had moved to Florida her hometown. We live in Colorado. Again, I know this from the letters I found from her. I think that he may still be talking to her on the phone though because he gaurds it like it’s fort knox. I have brought this up several times and he feels like he should be given “some” privacy in certain things. I don’t agree with that. I have searched for other things that he is lying about and I know he is telling me lies about his financial situation. We work together and I have access to his banking account so I can see what he does financially whenever I want to. I want to believe that he is really wanting to make this work and is going to be faithful and honest with me going forward but it is so hard with the phone thing. I think if he would just let me see the phone at random times without him having an opportunity to delete things I would feel so much better. When I dig for information my hope is that I find information that will reassure me that I have made the right decision to take him back. I am really not looking for the things that will prove he is still being dishonest and deceitful.
If your partner is cheating, men should not be harsher on the women than women are on the men. If the cheater wants to be taken back and forgiven, then the men should give equal forgiveness to the women as the women would be asked of the men. Double standards do not help relationships injured by infidelity, they only add salt the the wounds inflicted by the cheating.
Transparency and openness do help, but equality in forgiveness and mercy also can help heal.
My girlfriend of 14 yrs has always cheated on me from day one,but always deneed it. I have proof that she is, and she continues to lie in my face that she`s not. She`s in college now and is having another affair with someone in her class, cause when she leaves for school and doesn’t go to one of her classes that day she`s with him. but acts like she`s been in school all day. I know this because I asked her a few simple questions one night and she went on the defense like she does when she`s cheatting on me . It`s all good though because when I leave her it will be for good and she can have who ever she want’s. It won`t be me, that’s for sure.
Hello Lisa, wow did I ever think that this issue was ever gonna be seen my way. For this whole year, of battling this out come of the affair, I’ve pretty much felt alone, and as for the current situation, my partner claims neglect and not feeling loved from me. For the most part I was in fact blaming myself for not tending to the needs of my partner, when all along it was my own needs that weren’t being met. My partner some how reversed the whole situation and put it on me. I recently lost control of my inner anger. I told my partner you promised to see me through with what ever I need. I brought up the other girl and boy oh boy did I get the reaction that seemed to me to be a touchy, I’m still in love reaction. As of right now 11/21/08 I’m soooo sooo confused, trying to deal with my own personal feelings, and trying to maintain the strong hard feelings of no I will not help in your needs, until my needs are being met. I am not selfish nor blameless, but I am loyal, honest and caring and I’m a human being with real emotions. Well Lisa thanks so much for this site for us poor souls who feel so alone….take care
My husband of 35 years moved interstate last year for work. He went on a internet dating site and commenced an affair throught a dating site in Feb last year. I found out in June when he came home for a visit and I found tickets to the theatre. He indicated he wanted to separate and he blames the affair on me and our relationship – my mismanagement of our finances have stopped him from having the life he wanted. He keeps saying they can talk and it wasn’t about the sex. At times he indicates he wants to reconcile and then changes his mind. I believe she is still in contact with him. I know he is depressed and I am not sure if I keep hanging in because of fear or because I still care for the person. However, reading your warning signs – they are all present and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone about the affair.
Lost