It may be surprising to know that many people decide to stay in their marriages while their partner’s openly having an affair. There are many reasons for this including:
- Fear of being alone
- Believing that if they stay and do everything right their partner will come to his/her senses and decide to end the affair
- Lack of resources and finances
- A desperate longing to be loved
If you are making this same choice, I want you to do so while being conscious of the repercussions of that decision. In the short run this decision might feel good–you get to put off a sudden end to the marriage, you still get a part of your partner, and as long as your partner stays you feel somewhat loved.
The problem happens…in the long run.
You see, you can allow others to treat you poorly for only so long before you begin to feel bad about yourself. You begin to settle for less and less. Subsequently, you are given less and less. Slowly but surely this decision and your partner’s treatment of you, chip away at your self esteem. You begin to settle for crumbs…so your partner throws you crumbs. You stay hoping your partner will see that you love him/her; all your partner sees is that you’ll stay.
When you don’t set a bottom line on your partner’s affair and clearly state that it has to end, you are in essence saying that you accept the affair. This acceptance seldom, if ever, comes from a healthy place; know this and don’t try to rationalize your decision.
If you’re struggling with being firm with your partner, then accept that you’re struggling and work towards strengthening you. Do not work towards accepting the unacceptable.
We all struggle with making difficult choices; acknowledge your struggle, work to strengthen you, and know that this unhealthy acceptance is only temporary. Be determined to stand up for yourself–no matter how long that may take.
CHALLENGE: If you’re in a relationship where you’re partner is openly having an affair, be clear about why you’re accepting this. Understand you’re reasons and do NOT rationalize them or justify them…just understand them. Once you understand them, decide on three action steps you can take to weaken these reasons (E.g. If one reason is due to finances, find ways to either make extra money or reduce your spending).
Make a decision to not accept the unacceptable and then take steps necessary to strengthen yourself so you can reach this goal.
Lisa,
this is so true, so many of us allow this or other unhealthy situations to take place either during or after an affair.
You helped me see this and have helped me realize how unhealthy my choices were.
Once you are able to understand this and make the changes your life is so much better and you feel yourself in a healthier place, accepting nothing less than what you need to maintain this peace and happiness in your life. Thank you for helping me get there, it may have been a long haul but I have finnally got it.
REPLY: You are very welcome. It’s been a pleasure working with you and watching your growth!
My husband had an affair with a good friend of mine for 2 years. We are separated my husband has been confused. He says that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He still has feelings for the OW. They are not seeing each other. He cries and can be very emotional he tells me he misses us (the family) He has filed for divorce but says he doesn’t want to tell the kids and is not in a hurry. He says that he can’t fake it – or be dishonest any longer , he doesn’t want to come back when he still has feelings for the OW. I forgive him and I tell him that I still love him and know he is confused. Do you have any advice for me?
LISA”S REPLY: My best advice is to remember that you deserve to be with someone who both loves you and, is in love with you. Do not settle for less than that…even though that might be very painful at first.
I would be clear with your husband that you’re very sad this is the path he has taken and you also realize that you don’t want a loveless marriage. Let him know that if he’s not in love with you, then you will do your best to grieve and move on.
I realize this is very difficult…AND the longer you wait for him to not be confused, the more you show him you don’t deserve to be cherished and loved. Grieve the loss of this marraige and work on healing from this loss.
Do not listen to him cry about how much he misses you and the children. Tell him he will have to find someone else to talk to about his sadness. When he does this, I’m guessing you start feeling bad for him and a little hopeful that he’ll come back. it allows him to relieve his guilt and to have some connection with you while he’s hurting you at the same time. Don’t put yourself through that; work on getting stronger.
Take care-Lisa
My girlfriend of 5+ years seems to be on the verge of having an affair. She’s started creating or magnifying negative things about me. She’s been lying to me about going out with other people (checked her cell phone messages and confronted her, etc). Each time in the past I was able to intervene, but it seems there will be no stopping her. Love does not end in a fit of rage, it ends with a quiescent “Oh well” so I know that there is still potential. I know from experience because I was not faithful to my ex-wife (never caught, nor was it open). There was no stopping me, and if caught I would have rationalized it and blame shifted, also. So, I know there is only a miniscule chance of stopping it, and it’s hard accepting that. My only question is what to expect afterwards. I know that such relationships don’t last. I want her back, I don’t want her to do it. If she enters another relationship it will only last until the “first argument”. We are both in our 40’s My instincts tell me to do it first, but I think that would only rationalize her actions to her and she will use that against me with our friends. I guess I have to do it for my sanity as a form of quiet revenge. I’m not happy. It’s a case of forbidden fruit and Eve. There’s no stopping it I think. What should I do? What should I expect? I know that the man will be older, and richer (she complains about my money situation).
LISA’S REPLY: It seems you have two solutions that you are telling yourself: 1. Be resigned to the fact that your girlfriend is going to have an affair. 2. Have an affair yourself first. Neither of these solutions is a healthy one.
If you are certain she is heading for an affair I would stop playing a vicitm to it and instead be clear to her that if she chooses to have an affair this relationship is over. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and treats you well. Having an affair is not treating you well.
You having an affair to beat her to the punch, so to speak, is childish and retaliatory. It’s unhealthy and will not in any way help you in this relationship or any future relationships. You have to decide what you want the rest of your life to be like. If you want it to be enriching, healthy, and enjoyable, then you have to start doing some work to get yourself healthier…otherwise you will be stuck playing out the endless dance of affairs–either your own affairs, or those of your partners.
If you choose to get into a monogomous relationship then do so with the understanding that both you and your partner will be monogomous. Insure that you hold up your side of that equation and if your partner does not, then work it or end it…don’t stoop to the level of no integrity so you can bear it.
Remember you deserve to be treated well…especially by those in your inner circle!
Regards-Lisa
My husband had an affair with a good friend of mine (obviously she was his friend and not mine). This affair lasted a couple of months. Immediately after I confronted him with our cell phone bill and the numerous calls made to OW, he coped to just a minimal disclosure of their relationship. He begged me to not divorce him and volunteered counseling, attending church togather, and to stop drinking (he is a functioning alcoholic). Not long after our process of rebuilding, I booted him out of the home because he was still continuing to see OW and drinking. Due to a very embarressing situation involving my husband and OW that her husband walked in on, my husband came back home again asking for another chance. My husband has been attending counseling, church, and has lessened his drinking for a month. Our counselor said that I just have to allow myself to be vulnerable and trust him again. How do I balance being respectful of my husband (& not coming across like a warden or a mother)and needing reassurance that he is no longer having contact with OW? My question involves monitoring his new cell phone.
LISA’S REPLY: Affair always break the trust in a relationship and that trust takes time AND action to earn back. Whether your partner should be trusted or not depends on how he’s changed, what you’re seeing, how responsible he’s being about his behavior, how responsive he is to your anxieties, and how long he has been behaving trustworthy. I usually tell the offended party that they should not trust thier partner until s/he behaves in a way that is trustworthy on a steady basis.
I recommend you and your husband read the book “Not Just Friends” to help with this healing process. In the mean time, I always recommend that following an affair the offending partner agrees to provide free access to his/her cell phone and e-mail for a predetermined period of time. I would discuss this with your therapist.
At the same time you have to be careful not to become a private detective. rust your gut and don’t ignore red flags. If you listen to your partner’s actions rather than his words, you usually will have a good idea of whether or not he’s being honest.
Take care-Lisa
I have been in my relationship for about 10yrs. before I found out that my partner was cheating on me with an ex. yes I chose to stay. The relationship had gone on for 2yrs. until I finally “not” gave up, but just said enough, I was not only hurting myself but my partners too! So I sacrified my heart to allow my partners to be happy.. since thats what it seemed to me, I made it clear I didn’t want to be a choice and it was obvious..I was gonna have to be the one to choose..so I did, at the end, not even a day that my partner left, returned with giving up the ex. that my partner felt was started due to there unresolved, with no closure end, and me negleting our relationship, always thinking that things where fine just because I was there and faithful, that, that was enough, not considering anyone elses feeling, A LESSON LEARNED… For me not afraid of being alone but being in love, I forgave. My challenge is to get past it now, its been almost a year in Aug. since this all took place. I’m feeling happy, content, and wanting to just get over the hurt…I’m still left with; did I make the right decision?..are they really over? I know what I want and who I love, like always there’s still that (but)…am I just being insecure or secretly obsessed or ???/
My husband had an affair after 15 years of marriage. He lied every day to me which was VERY out of character for him. I chose to stay and hope that it was a mid-life crisis or a one time personality glitch. I am so heartbroken I have never experienced pain this deep. We are working through it and hoping we come out on the other side stronger and better for it. Wish me luck!
GOOD LUCK!!!
Regards-Lisa
Dear Lisa – First I would like to say I respect how you fashion your articles and help. You seem very straight forward and rational yet sensitive. On top of that you make a lot of sense! WELL my situation: My boyfriend whom I call my “husband” and I met almost 3years ago which can be calculated by the age of our son 25 months(9 months pregnacy). In the beginning I really thought I met my lifelong mate, he was sensitive to my emotional needs as well as physical. He liked how I made him feel as well. Within two weeks we decided to have a child, we both felt a strong urge, something “I” personally never felt and at the time I was 33 so I wasn’t some young kid in love. Through the pregnancy I was a total “B” but he maintained and rubbed my feet just about every night, massaged my back and cooked and cleaned. To say the least, I didn’t appreciate it. Toward the end of my pregnacy I felt he was cheating, I started looking through his things and called just about any number of a woman I didn’t recognize, nothing came up but I would continue to search. After months of looking for a new place to stay we found the “perfect” house, about 4 months later I found out he was having an affair with a woman he worked with. I called her and she told me he said he was having problems with his son’s mother and needed an outlet. She said she too had a boyfriend she was having problems with. What added insult to injury is he took her to the same resturaunt he took me for my birthday! And, found time to spend time with her while he ignored my needs. When I found out I packed a bag and our son and stayed with a friend. He went crazy! He gave me a long story and said how sorry he was. I “forgave” him and came home but withn months I started searching again and everything he did I questioned. I would go on ridiculous scavenger hunts until I found something so I could say “Uh huh, look what I found”. Needless to say, it drove him and me crazy! Since the OW he has had internet affairs with women that live in other states and has told me they don’t mean anything to him and he would never leave his family for any of them. I’ve tried to convince myself that he is telling the truth and that it is recreational, but I’ve told him I need the emotional commitment he is giving them. We’ve gone up and down, I’ve shut down as well as had outburst. On top of all the turmoil, both him and I were sexually abused as children we were both adopted as well … that’s what drew us close when we met. Lately, he doesn’t seem to react with regret and sincerity when I approach him about other women and I know it is because nothing I do is permanent, I just look the other way in the end. Sometimes we make up, or most times we don’t talk about our issues and time goes by. Currently its been three months since we’ve been intimate. My desire has decreased because I feel I’ve lost a connection with him and when I think about being intimate I feel undesirable to him due to the fact he desires other women. When I feel like talking about it, he doesn’t or worse, I just don’t know how to talk to him, I sometimes wish he will be the one to initiate the conversation or that he will one day wake up with the sparkle he had in his eye when he met me. Our daily routine is mondane, we just come and go, I will clean the house and cook when I can, more importantly I make sure our son is taken care of, instead of focusing on our issues. He tells me not to go through his things because it will make him push away even more, my response is I don’t want to find out the day before you tell me you met someone else and leaving. I feel I should have a say in how the money is spent. He says I want to wear the pants in the family. I feel him and I should be equal yet he has somewhat of a chauvinistical side about him that comes out in decisions as well as arguements. I told him I like stability, knowing without a doubt he is faithful, he on the other hand used to be in the service and wants to give the impression he is some “secret agent” he even once told me he does things for the government and can’t tell me everything about where he is!!! How obsurd!!!!… Overall, I guess like you said I make up reasons to stay but ultimatly I love him, as well as want my son to have his father around yet have a solid foundation instead of the statistical broken family. Please help!
LISA’A REPLY: You are in a miserable relationship with someone who is not at all respectful of you. His internet relationships with women is just one more way he’s disrespectful. You say you want the emotional commitment he is giving these other women… he’s not giving any woman an emotional commitment. He’s doing what he wants to do and is not remotely thoughtful about what others in his life want.
You make many excuses about staying with him however it’s clear by the tone of your comment that you know this relationship is very unhealthy. You and your son deserve so much better. You are teaching your son how to be in relationship and it’s a damaging lesson you’re passing on to him. The best thing for you to do is to get into therapy to work on empowering yourself. You deserve to be treated well and only you can make sure that happens. This person is emotionally abusive and toxic in your life. Realize this and do whatever you need to do to get the strength to make changes.
Take care-Lisa
I feel for all these women. I too have a husband who has been unfaithful since 1997. But I only found out in 2003 because I decided to look at his cell phone statement. He claims that he has been faithful since 2005. But I have stumbled upon some things like a tissue with lipstick on it etc. Which he claims he doesn’t know how it got in his car. And how I know that he has been cheating since 1997 is from playing detective after the 2003 incident. It just snowballed. So now we just live together like we are just roomates. Once in awhile there is intimacy but just not the same. I feel so distant from him. I guess I have to actually catch him in the act to finally end it. He doesn’t want to try counseling. And I know that he realizes that I will never trust him. I have tried but he doesn’t make me feel secure about his sincerity.
I did have access to his cell phone detailed statement for a period of time. Until the provider somehow got in touch with him and notified him that someone had access to view his account. So he had the provider change it so only he had the ability to view his on line statement. I then had to confront him and told him that I want to be able to see his activity. And of course he argued with me and said that it is his phone and there is no reason for me to see it. So now what do I do?? Please advise.
LISA’S REPLY: It sounds like your partner is not willing to be accountable and/or willing to repair. If this is the case then it is likely that either the affair is still going or there will be more affairs in the future.
You have to decide if that is okay with you (I hope you decide it’s not). You deserve to be treated well and to have a faithful, loving partner. If he is not willing to be that, you may have to make a difficult decision; either he goes into couples work with you or you seperate. The decision is up to you and what you will and will not put up with. In my experience, the more you settle, the less you get.
Take care-Lisa
I am in a deep amount of pain. I have been with my husband as of the 20th of November 2008. We have been married since 2001. In 2002 he was deployed to Korea for a second time and again he met someone else. During this time there he had an affair with this female who found out he was married a month after they met. She deliberately got pregnant before they came back to states. When he got back we argued a lot. I remember the first month he was back. We had to get a place to stay and we were in a hotel. He took off left me and our children in a hotel while he went to be with this woman. when we got a place he took off 2 days after moving in to go be with her. This woman has drove to my house and attacked me in fron of my children as well as the two children they now have. I have 5 kids by my husband and he has two with this woman and I have reason to believe she is pregnant again. They have both disrespected me and don’t care about the kids feelings nor mine. I have found letters and smelt her on him to which sickened me. I have been diagnosed with depression. Like everyone else I have stayed and now I am having second thoughts. We are suppose to be going to Texas and I promised my children but I am also taking precaution on my heart now. Because I feel taken advatage of. He always uses guilt trips on me because I don’t work. My kids are 10,9,7,3,2. I love him and am in love with him but is it worth it? I am thinking not. He has promised this female for 6 years that he is going to marry her. All the while he stays married with me because he thinks he can. And because he was divorced once before. He has thrown fits when he has found out I went to attorneys. Whats worse is hes looking for other woman on craigs list. My mind I cant take it. He gets mad when I dont have sex with him but I feel degraded and he seems to not care. He goes every other night to this woman. I am honestly on a verge of a breakdown here and would like some input on this. you can email me at kelly872@live.com. I have had people tell me I am dumb. I have lost 2 careers over this. I was active duty and left and then reserves and left (but reserves I left because of my family and my kids). I would like advice. Yes I know I could get him in trouble with the military. Do I want to bite the hand that feeds me? no. Though he hides the money. He has his mother hold the money. I am tired. Please give me advice people