(Note: As you can see, I’m a bit behind this holiday season. I do apologize for not posting sooner and I thank those of you who are forgiving and continue to tune in.)
I decided to post about a phenomenon I frequently see during the holidays: women taking on significantly more of the holiday responsibilities than their partners.
During the holiday season, this may show up as women doing a majority of the gift shopping and then placing their partner’s name on all the gifts. Some women may even buy gifts for their in-laws and partner’s business associates. They may do all the party planning, make the preparations, decorate the interior of the house, and cook wonderful appetizers, entrees, and desserts for these parties. They then clean up for everyone.
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting resentful just writing all this. Of course, this is not true for all couples, and some families where this is true, may not mind at all. However, for those women who can relate to this and who are tired, worn out, and feeling a tad bit resentful–stop working so hard. It’s time for you to take a break.
I realize this is much easier said than done and… it’s a lot easier than you think.
In my experience, women can get caught up in wanting things done a specific way. In order for you to take a break, you have to be willing to let go of some things. Stop worrying about his last minute gift to his parents and let him receive the consequences of that decision. Don’t be particular about what he makes for dinner; be thankful that you don’t have to make dinner. If you’re having people over, let go of having the decorations done your way, and be open to him doing them his way.
The examples are endless and the point is the same: let go of control and give your partner the room to help in his own way. If you can’t let go (or choose not to), then don’t resent him. Realize that it may just be “your way, or the highway” and stop being angry at him for not helping.
For those women who are able to let go yet whose partner’s don’t pitch in anyway–learn to stop making life easy for him. For example, if he’d like a party, then be clear about how those duties are to be split…begin by having him do the first two steps. If the first two steps don’t get done–there is no party. Don’t nag, bitch, or complain about it, just don’t pick up the pieces for him. If he doesn’t get it started, then it’s his decision. Let go of the outcome and do so guilt free.
Begin to think in terms of “we” and what you do, and do not, have control of. Make decisions from that place and enjoy your holiday season like never before. If you choose to do something, remember it was a choice. If you’re not sure what to choose, use Cheryl Richardson’s guide: “Unless it’s an absolute yes, it’s a no”.
Challenge: For those men who can relate to having a partner who takes care of everything, perhaps it’s time for you to give your partner a break–it may be the best gift you’ve ever given her.
For those women who take care of everything, pick one thing you can let go of and hand it over to your partner. Don’t micro-manage, critique, or make subtle comments–just appreciate.
I think by far this is the best advice on this blog that I have read so far. I used to do everything for my husband, because I had spent way too many weeks nagging him to get something done, to just have to turn around and do it at the last minute. Now I kindly remind him once and let go. He lives with the consequences of his actions. For instance, registering for school. Once he was so late he couldn’t get a class he wanted so now he has learned to get it done earlier and I don’t have to feel responsible for him being prepared for school. I cannot list how many times I have used this method since I read it and I just wanted to thank you for putting it exactly right. If I care that something gets done, then I still personally do it myself, otherwise, I let go.