I often talk about the importance of standing up for yourself when others are treating you poorly. It’s important to stand up at home, with your friends, your children and, yes, even with your boss. People often struggle, however, with standing up to their boss. They think that what their boss says or does is somehow off limits. They worry that if they do speak up, they’ll get fired. Many people believe they have to take whatever their boss throws at them.
In my experience, the more poor treatment people take from their boss, the more poorly their boss will treat them. Just because your boss is in a higher position than you at work does not mean they have the right to treat you poorly. It means they are in a higher position—that’s it. That position never gives them the right to be disrespectful or — at the extreme end — verbally abusive.
Basic respect is about basic humanity. Everyone deserves basic respect. Your boss has the right to give you critical feedback, give you directives to complete, supervise your work, tell you when they are unhappy about something you’ve done, put you on suspension and even fire you. S/he does NOT have the right to yell, scream, intimidate, belittle or shame you in public or private.
I’ve heard many stories about bosses raging in meetings or getting in their employees’ faces and berating them for mistakes or even shaming employees in front of others. This kind of outrageous behavior is abusive. If this is happening in your place of work, don’t silently take it. Your silence will lead to resentment and will chip away at your sense of self-worth.
If your boss is being disrespectful or abusive, address the behavior directly and in the moment. If there are a lot of people around and you don’t feel comfortable doing it with an audience, request that your boss speak with you immediately following the incident. For example, “Mr. Jones, I’d like to speak with you about the meeting today. Can we please schedule 15 minutes to do that?”
Once you are sitting down with your boss, own your mistake, if you were wrong, state the behavior you didn’t like and ask for what you want now and/or in the future. Be sure to be clear, to the point and specific about what you want: “Mr. Jones, I apologize for not proofreading the document I handed you. I will not make that same mistake again. I want you to know, however, that the way you gave me that feedback did not feel okay for me. I do not like to be yelled at anywhere in my life—work included. I would like for you to discuss things with me in private and to do so in a respectful tone. Are you willing to do this?”
After you have spoken, the ball is in your boss’s court. Pay attention to how they respond. If they become angry, then it’s likely that you do not have a “workable” situation. If they stay calm, hear you out and apologize, then there’s hope. Either way, their reaction is data for you. If they get angrier, I would try to set limits a couple more times to see if they’re open to taking your feedback in. If you hit the same result every time, I would start planning my exit.
Working with an abusive boss is not a healthy move for you. Look for a more rewarding work environment and be smart about how you exit. Look for jobs outside of work hours, save your money, build your skills and love yourself enough to get yourself into a healthy environment.
CHALLENGE: You deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times—even by your boss. If your boss is demeaning, disrespectful or verbally abusive toward you, you have the right to stand up for yourself. Get clear with yourself that you have that right and then get clear with your boss. Pay attention to what happens as a result. Make sure you are respectful on your end.
First, it is not unusual to have reservations about standing up for yourself especially if it’s your boss or co-workers. I find the more I worry about how I will be perceived, whether I will hurt feelings, be attacked, etc I am less inclined to follow through. So a few things I learnt over time were:
1. think about how the behavior affects you
2. you need to take care of YOU
3. have examples of specific incidences
4. speak up using “I feel that”, so that it doesn’t come across as a personal attack.
5. if concerned about getting emotional, it’s probably a good idea not to tackle it right when it happens. Take some time to think about it, write down your thoughts and then approach person(s) individually – not as a group.
6. think about the outcome you expect
7. remain respectful but firm – if you notice the conversation is combattive or going in circles, you could say something like, “It seems we do have very different opinions on this matter. Do you think we could talk to our boss/manager about it? Or you could say, “Do you have suggestions on what I could do different to improve the situation?”
8. Try not to worry about hurting feelings – it’s inevitable. But when all is said and done, people do think about how they are perceived by others even the boss.
Remember, the first time you do it, you’d likely feel crappy about it. But believe me, you will be proud of yourself for taking care of YOU. A few more times and you will be able to assert yourself with more ease.
What you’ve said really resonates with me and I think is the right answer. If you had time to answer two questions here, I would be very grateful for the feedback and it may also benefit others too.
I’ve been putting up with the mistreatment at work for a long time. My big fear is that I’ll be too emotional to effectively stand up to them when I finally decide to. I may get teary, cry, have anger in my voice, turn red in the face, or they’ll see fear in my eyes. I’ve been able to maintain composure and control of myself by “ignoring” and not standing up for myself (although feeling hurt and degraded on the inside). Can I be emotional and successfully stand up to my coworker(s)? If not, how can I try to not be upset when I do respond?
The other part, is it’s not as easy to stand up to one person without addressing several people. That’s part of what prevents me from doing it. Sort of like mobbing. Any ideas of how to respond if someone else steps in to challenge me for standing up for myself?
Dear Samantha, What great questions. The short answer is it’s hard to stay calm when you are first learning to fight back. My suggestion is you practice a couple responses with a friend or even to yourself. The more clear you are about what to say, the easier it will be to say it. Second, i would begin with short, direct statements that require no answers. For example, “That was a rude comment.” “Wow, you can be really mean.” Simply state your comment as a matter of fact and then walk away. The point of this is not to get the other person to see the light so to speak but rather to help you build your self-care muscles. The more you stand up for yourself the better you’ll feel–regardless of what the other person does.
Good-luck and look for a more detailed answer to your questions in a future blog post.
Lisa
I hate my boss is a common saying by most of the employees. Because it is very easy to speak and express your views. But I know that a majority of them fear losing their job when it comes to standing up to their boss. It is not a surprise but a common behavior or I would say it is your disorder to speak out before your boss even when you need to. So, its your choice whether to overcome or to stay there. When you are ready, think about the time and nature of your boss and how to handle the situation before you take action.