Recently a proposal was made to make Massachusetts the first state in the nation to outlaw corporal punishment/spanking, in the home as well as out of the home. Although this is a recent proposal, people have been arguing this point for decades.
Personally, I’ve always found the concept of spanking to be an interesting one. As a child, I thought it was hypocritical for parents to say they loved you one minute and hit you with the belt or paddle the next. It never made sense that the ones who were supposed to be protecting kids were the ones the kids needed protection from. But what did I know? I was just a child.
As I got older and had my own children, this same thinking stuck with me…only stronger. I’ve watched parents go crazy on their children and grab them by the arm, yank them towards them, and WHACK them. I’ve worked with clients whose parents would hit them with a belt, and even have them “choose” a branch from the tree to be used as a whip to hit them with. I’ve heard parents say they chased their child through the house with a belt because s/he wouldn’t listen, all the while screaming, threatening, and calling the child names.
Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to be successful in life: relationally, emotionally, spiritually, and personally. Teaching children how to handle their anger is a vital part of this. Children need to learn that it’s okay to be angry…and it’s not okay to be abusive. How do they learn that lesson if every time they make a mistake they get a smack, the belt, or chased through the house by a screaming maniac?
They don’t. They learn that when people don’t do what you want them to do, get stronger and more powerful and…force them.
Seldom have I seen a parent calmly spank a child. More often I see a parent at his or her wit’s end, snapping, yelling, and ultimately, SMACKING the child. In those moments, the parent is often livid, and determined to show that child whose boss. In that moment, it’s about power over, and the last thing on that parent’s mind is teaching the child how to be in this world.
To a child, this kind of “discipline” is scary, intense, painful, and absolutely jarring. Do they stop what they’re doing as a result? You bet…but only for the moment. Spanking is a short-term solution that creates long-term problems. It is not relational, loving, or an effective long term teaching technique.
When adults hit other adults, we go to jail; explain, then, why it’s okay for me to hit–on an ongoing basis– a person, whose totally dependant on me, half my size, and still learning how to be in this world, and expect it to be seen as teaching.
Talk about putting a spin on things.
CHALLENGE: Never hit your child in anger…it’s abuse, even if others call it discipline. If you feel you have to spank, research it for yourself. Learn about the pros and cons and then make the decision based on the best interest of your child. If you still choose to spank: never use objects, do not hit the face, do not hit in anger, and try other tactics first.
Great post! You have an amazing way of bringing clarity and simplicity to complex deep issues.
One question. I didn’t understand this line: “In that moment, it’s about power over, and the last thing on that parent’s mind is teaching the child how to be in this world.”
LISA’S REPLY: Chris thanks. Regarding the line, I believe parents often spank when they are triggered; when they’re triggered, they’re not thinking clearly. They are certainly not thinking about what would be the best way to approach the situation so that it’s in the child’s long term best interest.
Rather, the parents are frustrated, annoyed, and livid at what the child did so they move to control the child’s behavior. They get bigger than the child, more forceful, and exert thier power over the child. They are, more often than not, simply reacting…they are not teaching.
Hope this helps to clarify!
Interesting article.
I have a co-worker with a 7-year-old son who says she never hits her child – she simply disciplines him by making him take a time-out, or taking away the things he loves most – his videogame unit, his computer. Then he learns who’s the boss.
Which is funny, since both my co-worker and I were both spanked as children. We were not abused, but our parents went by the old adage: spare the rod and spoil the child.
On the other extreme, my goddaughter’s mother, infortunately, is a little too free with the belt. Those kids are terrified and crying after being whipped like that. She also frequently loses her temper and curses at the kids. Which is very hypocritical of her, since she will not tolerate anyone verbally abusing her kids, but she reserves the divine right to verbally abuse them with filthy language. It saddens me to see them like that. And these are good kids who sometimes misbehave like other normal kids, but not to the point of egregious or nefarious immorality.
I personally don’t like spanking, because there are other ways to discipline a child – but if the child is doing something very dangerous and needs to learn very strongly never to do it, such as playing with fire, attacking someone with a weapon, killing animals, behaving with violent or physically abusive tendencies toward weaker and smaller kids than himself, then they have to spanked.
Rarely is spanking necessary – other options should be exercised, unless the misbehaviour is extremely dangerous and requires emergency attention.
As for the cursing, NO PARENT worthy of the word should EVER verbally abuse a child or use swear words to them. Children do soak up and copy a lot of what they see and hear, and they imitate behaviour very well. One cannot be an honest parent by telling kids they are not allowed to use foul language, or associate with people who use vulgar language, or watch or read or play with material or media which contains offensive/adult language, and at the same time curse and swear at them and call them every ugly filthy vulgar word in the book.
Children will eventually learn how to curse and swear from their parents, even cursing at the parents when they get angry, and the parents will wonder where they went wrong.
I feel bad for these kids – they are our future.
My Dear,
Thanks a lot for the things you have been sharing with your ardent readers especially me,but I beg to defer on this issue,there is no way I will encouraged anyone to go about beating people,but I believe if God subscribe something to you ,you will rather obey than question,so I will choose to obey,spare the rod and spoil the child
Rose, why should a child be spanked for playing with fire? Just like touching a hot stove, or scraping a knee using rollerblades, I think some humans/kids just need to experience self-inflicted pain to grow a new (more mature) perspective. A self-inflicted burn can be a quick way to learn respect for fire. As a young kid, I playfully lit a napkin on fire at the Christmas dinner table and dropped it onto the carpet. I wasn’t spanked, but still learned my lesson by watching the fear I had caused in all nearby adults. For me, a spanking would have only added resentment toward the abusive disciplinarian.