Many couples are struggling with trying to figure out how in the world to bring the sex back into their relationships. Bringing sex back into a marriage is a great idea, if both partners agree they want it back. What if, however, one of the partners has no interest in bringing the sex back? Is there anything you can do in this situation?
If you’re in a sexless marriage, the first thing you need to do is decide if that’s okay for you. Don’t think about whether your partner wants a sexual marriage or even what your partner would say about the topic; just think about what you want. If your answer is yes, your next question to answer is: Is having a sexual marriage non-negotiable? Non-negotiable means that you want a sexual marriage and if you don’t have one, the marriage will be in trouble.
Once you are clear that you want a sexual marriage, sit down with your partner and have an honest discussion. Inform your partner that you’ve given the sexual aspect of your marriage a lot of thought and that you know you no longer want a sexless marriage. Be clear that you’re not willing to go the next 5, 10, 15 years with no sexual intimacy. Ask your partner to consider where they stand on this issue so you can decide what your next move is.
If your partner says they’re willing to try, then come up with a plan. Start with each of you reading The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. If your partner has lost their sexual desire, ask that they meet with their doctor to rule out any medical condition and to discuss options. Finally, get professional help as a couple.
There are a number of things that impact the sexual intimacy between couples. It’s in your best interest to figure out which issues pertain to your specific relationship. Some common issues that create problems for couples include:
• One partner being a selfish lover
• A high level of negativity from one partner
• Verbal or emotional abuse
• Issues of control
• Pressure for sex or an entitlement and expectation around sex
• Past affairs that have not been worked through
• Past history of sexual abuse for one partner
Regardless of what led to the sexless marriage, it’s up to the partner who wants a sexual relationship to have an honest conversation about their feelings. Be respectful, calm and clear that you are not willing to settle for a sexless marriage. Do not state this as a threat, it’s simply a piece of honest information that your partner will need in order to make their decision. If they say they do not want a sexual relationship, appreciate their honesty and tell them what that will mean for your relationships (e.g. separation, divorce, moving into a different bedroom, etc.).
Challenge: If you’re in a sexless marriage and that is not okay for you, get clear about what you want and be honest with your partner.
My husband of 25 years and I are in a sexless marriage and neither of us are happy about it. We have ALL the issues you stated in the article. I was sexually abused as a kid and once I realized my marriage & sex-life were being affected by the past, I got myself into counseling. My husband has all the other issues. He has had an affair and refused to take responsibility or work through the issue with me in counseling. After I discovered his affair about 10 years ago, he has since been emotionally and verbally abusive. These are all huge roadblocks for me; I can’t move past them without working through and solving these issues. I refuse to ignore his past and present behavior, writing them off to a bad day, counseling helped me see I deserve better. Now that I demand better treatment, he is more abusive, controlling, and even more selfish than I could have imagined. He is constantly pressuring me for sex and does believe he is entitled to it, regardless of how he treats me. He says he treats me the way he does because I won’t do as he says, especially sexually. I have asked him to join me for marriage counseling, retreats, self-help, and asked him to come up with a solution…NOTHING. Is it even possible to find a way to work through something like this with someone like that? I am feeling like walking out, I am tired of his treatment, the lack of sex, and the absence of romance.
Dear Debbie: If he refuses to get into counseling with you, treats you poorly and is controlling, chances are things will remain how they are or get worse if you stay. I would be clear with him about what you want. If he says he’s not willing to seek help or change–I would run not walk away.
There’s only so much you can do when you have a partner who’s not willing to look at themselves.
Warm Regards-Lisa
i AM IN A SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP FOR 5 YEARS NOW. wE ARE NOT MARRIED AND DONOT LIVE TOGETHER . HE IS WAITING FO R HIS KIDS TO GO THRU COLLEGE FIRST BEFORE W MARRY . BUT HE HAS NO DESIRES FOR ME AND WE ARE IN OUR 50S. FIRST IT WAS WHEN THEY GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL THEN HE CHANGED IT . I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT ITS TARING ME APART THAT I CRY EVERY MORNING I AM AFRAID OF WHAT THIS MEANS AND I KEEP PLUGGING AWAY HOPING HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND. ITS SO HARD ON ME HAVING A REALATIONSHIP WITH A MAN AND NOT BEING INTIMATE AFTER SO LONG . WE BOTH BELEIVE TO WAIT TIL MARRIAGE BUT WHEN WILL THAT BE. I AM HIM AND HIS KIDS ALL THE TIME I JUST DON’T SLEEP THERE. I GO HOME EVERY NIGHT TO AN EMPTY APT
My husband and I have been married 40 years and intimateless and sexless for about 30 years. We had sex when first married and the only reason my husband did it was because I wanted it. Then my husband decided to stop, he claimed it was boring, not interesting or exciting and was tired of doing it. I was devastated and became depressed. Once I had the depression straightened out and the years went by I became less interested in sex. I still think about sex, but I know its gone forever, I never had the chance to have kids, and I miss the intimacy and closeness in a marriage. Husband moved all his things down stairs away from me, and I was told never bother him, he just wanted to be left alone in his own world.
Dear Amy: I would not whittle your life away in a cold, emotionless marriage. If he chooses to not have intimacy that does not mean you have to make that same choice. You’re practically alone now so leaving the marriage if he refuses to work on it may bring you greater joy than staying in a cold marriage.
Think about your choices and make the choice that’s best for you not the least scary.
Take Care-Lisa
Forcing a man to have sex under threat of divorce will pretty much guarantee that divorce will indeed take place. There are many reasons why men have no sexual desire for their wives but need I remind people that unlike women, men without sexual desire cannot have penetrative sex, it is physically impossible. He can eat a bucket load of Viagra but without desire all he’ll get is a headache. Plus many male sexual dysfunctions (a big reason men don’t want sex) are caused by anxiety which is amplified by a wife threatening divorce.
I utterly hate my sexless husband. I never used to, but he has denied me for so long now that I decided to start an affair. So much happier. It is so bizarre, nothing at all has changed, he is still droll and emotionless, still masturbates rather than have great sex with me. I resented him so much, now I just don’t care. I don’t care about him at all anymore. He is a cruel pr_ck.
Hi my name is Frank I am 60 years old and in sexless marriage. My wife was sexually abused as a child and had no memories until our second child was born in 1992. She then began to have memories surface so bad she lived at a group home for 4 years. Although the nightmares and flashback she have stabled, we have not had sex for 26 years. We have done couples counseling and individual therapy but there is some kissing but no initimate touching or any sex. I am at my wits end, love her dearly but very tough not to be able to have any intimate times let alone no sex.
Frank,
That sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your wife. I suggest you have a very honest conversation with her regarding your feelings. If you don’t want a sexless marriage let her know. If she does want a sexless marriage, then the two of you will have to decide if you can keep the friendship yet end the marriage or come up with some other workable arrangement. Your wife may need to do more trauma work wot be able to push through this area–if she wants to push through.
I hope the couples counseling can help you both to find your way through this. It would be a shame for her abuse to continue to take more from her than it already has.
Sincerely,
Lisa