I receive e-mails, blog comments, and inquiries from women and men all the time describing miserable relationships and poor treatment.
For example:
* “I have 5 kids by my husband and he has two with another woman. I have reason to believe she is pregnant again. He is with her every other night.”
* “He doesn’t think I’m the most important part of his life. All I know is that someone with a brain would not stand for this man. He is arrogant, selfish, and self centered.”
* “My fiancé and I have been together for nearly three years and are getting married in less than 6 months. Last week, I found out that he has been chatting, texting, and posting on sex sites. One site is for locals who meet up for “casual encounters” and his post was very disturbing.”
* “She overreacted and then gave me the silent treatment for 3 days over one incident I did 20 years ago when I was just kid.”
*”Yes my girlfriend of 14 years has always cheated on me from day one.”
Unfortunately, in these e-mails is also a host of excuses for staying and continuing to take the poor treatment.
* “I’m a single parent, without a job, my son has ADHD, so he can be EXTREMELY difficult to deal with at times, and I just don’t see a whole lot of men who would be willing to sign on, and begin a relationship with me.”
* “I’m staying for the sake of my son.”
* “But I love him and he loves me and there’s so much potential…”
* “I’m trying to move on from this and give him a last chance because I think he does regret things, but he’s scared to tell me the truth”?
Unfortunately, the longer we stay in relationships that are hurtful, the more likely we are to stay in hurtful relationships. Why? Because each day we stay, without significantly standing up for ourselves (with our actions not just words), we chip away at our own sense of self worth. We begin to question ourselves rather than our partners. We start to feel horrible about how we’re being treated and even more horrible that we’re accepting the treatment. It begins a vicious cycle that ends in even worse treatment and a greater loss of self.
WAKE UP…if you’re being treated poorly than only you can stop that treatment. Stop excusing your partner’s harshness, abuse, affairs, addiction etc., and start standing up for yourself and stopping it…even if that means leaving.
First, try to do everything you can to change it…AND, if you’re partner is not willing to work it (i.e. end the affair, get into addiction treatment, get into couples therapy/coaching) then be willing to leave. The cost of staying in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is too high for you and/or your children.
Acknowledge your fear and take the steps you need to take to get stronger. Do not pretend that staying with a partner who’s having numerous affairs is going to be helpful to your children. Stop settling because you think no one else would want you. If you have no money—get to work so you don’t have to rely on your partner.
Get stronger and healthier and you’ll feel like a whole different person. You will then realize you have a lot to offer someone and you won’t settle for less from someone else. If your relationship is unhealthy, then YOU need to get healthy.
CHALLENGE: If you’ve been excusing your partner’s poor treatment then commit to stopping that today! Instead, get clear about the problem behavior and make a plan to directly address it. Be clear with your partner what you expect and what you will do if s/he does not hold up their side. Then follow through and do what you said.
One thing I think all of the folks have going for them is that they know the relationship is bad. As silly as that sounds, I myself didn’t realize the relationship was bad until I had an emotional breakdown of sorts. You may think this is ridiculous, but when you have no role models and people giving you false and outdated information you don’t have much to go on. I was committed to marriage for the long haul and had no sight of what was really important in a relationship. Believe it or not I am grateful in a weird way for that relationship (which is now over) because I see how I was and am committed to change. I like that.
I know that I am minimizing his bad behavior and I know I should have left this relationship before now but I haven’t the courage. I have printed out your letter and I will read it every day in hopes that I will find the strength.
I agree with you 100% I have and will continue to do as you suggest.
B.A.S.S.
If your man/women abuses you, (physical and/or mentally) Run as fast you can. I was in the same situation with 2 small kids and I took off when he was @work! Of course he begged me to stay both times.
Oh yea, and of course (the phase we always hear: “it wont happen again”)——- yea right.
After reading this column I copied it to a word document and wrote my own paragraph telling of my experience… I’ve been in a 6 year on/off again relationship which began with deception. He wasn’t nearly as separated as he said he was when he came to my small town. In fact, at the time he and his wife still shared the same home in a city 3000 miles away which he visited on a regular basis. The current status is… he is divorced but lives in a different area 5 hours away – which he moved to for another woman. He has told me he is no longer with this woman but they continue to be friends and have business dealings together. I have never been to his homes or experienced his customary city life style. He has limited our relationship to the times we are together when he comes to my small town or we travel somewhere close by. He calls often with conversation peppered with innuendos about us getting together or being together, using terms relating to the future or what if. On more occasions than not I have been disillusioned by talk that doesn’t pan out. As I am writing this, it becomes very clear…I am not and have not been…in a good solid healthy relationship with this man. He is a compulsive shopper with multiple of everything he owns. Wouldn’t it stand to reason he would have more than one woman at any given time, plus live dual lives? Do I really want to continue a bond with a man who offers me this kind of treatment in the name of friendship or any other relationship? NO!
Doing this, made me clearly see I needed to stop all contact. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
DEAR CINDI: You are very welcome. I’m very glad to hear that you have realized you deserve better and are taking steps to insure you get better.
Warm regards-Lisa
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