For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot. Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1. Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree. Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future. Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with. Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them. You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say.
2. Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets. When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things. Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it. They begin to think it’s not worth their breath. That’s when the distance happens. Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3. Learn to make clear agreements up front. For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call. Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m. There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.
4. Don’t let issues fester. Issues that you ignore today will kill your marriage tomorrow. Issues that are not dealt with grow to be insurmountable mountains. Learn to discuss things directly and in a timely fashion. Don’t be afraid to disagree; in disagreement there is a chance for solution. Silence leads to nothing but…silence.
5. Fight fair. From day one of your relationship, commit to taking disrespect and verbal abuse off the table. Yelling, screaming, name calling, contempt, harshness, etc. are unnecessary and zap the life out of relationships. It’s easier to never start it than it is to stop it. If you’ve already started, stop it now. The sooner you stop it, the less damage will accumulate.
6. If there’s jealousy—nip it in the bud NOW. If your partner is jealous, set limits now — before it gets out of hand. Do NOT walk on eggshells just so your partner will not feel jealous. Make sure you’re not doing anything for anyone to be jealous about and then say clearly that the jealousy is not okay. Jealousy often turns into control. Don’t agree to calling to check in every 10 minutes, or not leaving the house if your partner’s not home, or not going out with friends, etc. Live your life and let your partner know that the relationship will not survive their jealousy.
7. Discuss holiday traditions early on. Remember there are two of you now so you both need a voice. This is the time to create new traditions. Don’t feel pressured to be everywhere on the holidays. Decide what you both want to do and then notify extended family of your decision. Once your tradition becomes visiting everyone else during the holidays, it will be difficult to change that as the years pass.
These are just a few tips to start you off on the right foot. Congratulations on your new marriage and best of luck!
CHALLENGE: Look through these tips and choose the ones you know you need to work on—then work on them!
