This past summer has been a whirlwind for me. I’ve been going non-stop from the moment my children got out of school until the moment they went back last week. My lack of planning left me running ragged. As a result, I wasn’t truly present anywhere.
I’m sure many of you can relate to having to be everywhere, yet truly present nowhere. We often over-schedule, over-promise and run ourselves into the ground trying to balance six different hats. Eventually, we come up for air. When we do, we have to deal with the collateral damage from our absence – such as distance in our relationships.
My daughter was my first clue. She was having little to do with me. I tried joking, telling her I loved her, trying to snuggle, etc. Nothing worked. All these attempts, in spare moments, were not what she wanted. She wanted me to be present beyond a fleeting moment. Not just in the house, but really present—you know, the kind of present that requires attention. When both my children were regularly telling me to get off the computer, my daughter was avoiding me and my son was informing me I’m always working — I finally listened.
My relationship with my husband, as you can imagine, also took a hit. By the time I decided to slow down and pay attention, I realized that we were distancing. No major issues; just a subtle distance. It was an excellent reminder for me to realize that even great relationships need ongoing nourishment. We need to always have our fingers on the relational pulse.
When we are not paying attention, great relationships can turn into good ones, then okay ones, then not so good relationships and on and on. It can all start when we have just a little extra work at the office, mixed with a bit more stress and a dollop of exhaustion and WHAM—your great relationship is now a distant one. We need to pay attention. We also need to be fully present, not ALL the time, but definitely a significant portion of the time.
I realize that in this financial climate, many couples are just trying to make ends meet. It’s important, though, that our priorities don’t get lost—in our thoughts AND our actions. Take the time to pay attention to your loved ones. Don’t take them for granted. They may not always be there.
CHALLENGE (for you and me): Step back and quietly observe the distance in your relationships with your partner and children. If you feel distance, adjust your course. Two ships passing in the night can lose sight of each other very quickly. Stay present and make sure your life reflects your priorities.
I loved the honesty in your article. We all need reminders that we are here because of the relationships, not for our tasks, our productivity, or our careers. The validation and connection that we really crave is from our loved ones but life with all it’s distractions has gradually pulled us away and seduced us into believing we have to perform. We just need to be!
I’ve just come across this article and the story is very familiar. My fiance and I are busy and stressed out all of the time. We thought we were doing relationship maintenance through tiny check-ins and doing little things for each other (it’s the little things that count, right?) while neglecting to spend “quality time” together. Then recently we discovered that we’ve grown distant, complete with the myriad resentments, guilts and anxieties that had remained unspoken for years. When behavioral patterns have been going on for so long, when both parties are stressed and depressed (in my case, clinically), it often doesn’t seem like the distance can be regained. I urge readers to remember that your partner can’t just receive nourishment from knowing that you love them. You must spend time with them in little and big ways, and share experiences together.
Great article that perfectly sums up distancing in my opinion.