One of my relational cornerstones is: Don’t speak ill of others–it reflects poorly on you (not to mention it doesn’t feel so great to the person being talked about either). This cornerstone is about gossiping.  Gossiping, throughout the ages, has been used maliciously, as a means of connecting to others, as a way of making you look/feel better than someone else, as a deflection, and absentmindedly. 

The problem is: when we gossip–we hurt others and ourselves.  We hurt ourselves by being out of integrity and by teaching people we can’t be trusted.  We hurt others by speaking about them in a negative light.  It may feel fine when you’re on the speaking end of the information, but I guarantee you it’s not so fine when you’re the one being spoken about.

I remember being in a group of women who would talk about other people without a second thought it seemed.  Inevitably, I would walk away wondering what they were going to say about me once I got out of earshot.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling.  At that moment I realized that if we talk about acquaintances, there’s no reason to think we won’t talk about our friends too.

Gossiping can be a bit tricky however.  I mean after all does that mean you can never talk about anyone but yourself?  If that were the case, the world would be a pretty boring place.  Here are a few questions I use to help me determine if I’m “clean” (being relational) or if I’m off:

1. Would I feel okay saying this same piece of information directly to the person I’m speaking about?  If the answer is no, then I don’t speak it.  If the answer is yes, then I do my best to bring the conversation back to the individual (I.e. “You know Tom, I was talking to Sue the other day and I realized there’s something that I’m still bothered by that I need to work out with you…)
2. Am I sharing this information to make me look good or make the person look bad?  It’s hard to be clean if you’re trying to make yourself look better than someone else.  Instead, know that you are okay and stop trying to prove that to others.
3. Am I gossiping because I feel left out and I’m trying to join in?  If so, I try to realize what I’m doing and remind myself that joining in at another person’s expense is not worth it.  If I need to join in then I may want to tell a joke or actually share something about myself (imagine trying to join in by actually being relational–what a novel ideaJ).
4. Am I sharing this information because I’m angry at the person and I need to vent?  If this is the case then I know I need to have a conversation with the person directly or else the issue and feelings will fester.  It’s not helping me to keep things bottled up and it’s not fair to the other person to be bad mouthing him/her because I’m mad and don’t have the courage to deal with it directly.  I can check out my feelings with a close friend and ask for help in approaching the other person, but ultimately I still need to be respectful of the other person regardless of whether s/he in my presence or not.

In general, talking about other people when they’re not present is okay if you’re sharing positive information, asking for help on how to solve a dilemma with the other person, or you plan on going back to the person with the same information. For example, if you’re talking to one friend about how a different friend was rude to you, keep the conversation about how you can address this issue.  Do not start going on and on about how rude your friend was.

Just remember, when it comes to gossiping, it’s always best to follow the golden rule:  Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.  If you wouldn’t like others talking about you a certain way–don’t talk about them that way either.

CHALLENGE:  Pay close attention to how you speak about others when not in their presence.  If you begin to feel that twinge of guilt–pay attention to it and close your mouth.  Become the friend you’d like to have.