The concept of the emotional affair seems to be getting more and more attention of late. I was just reading an article at USAToday.com by Karen S. Peterson (You may be interested reading it yourself at: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2003-01-08-workplace-usat_x.htm) about this very phenomenon.
Emotional affairs have been prevalent in several of the couples I’ve worked with over the years. More often than not, one partner begins to question a particular relationship the other partner is having with someone else and inevitably I will hear some variation of the response, “We’re just friends.” I still find myself surprised by how often I hear this line.
It’s not at all uncommon for this line to be followed up with some type of attempt to reassure the partner that s/he has nothing to worry about either because they don’t find that person “remotely attractive”, the other person’s married, or they will swear they would never do anything to harm this relationship. (Does this sound at all familiar to those of you who have been cheated on already?)
Just like sexual affairs, emotional affairs start with two people connecting more frequently with one another through jokes, e-mails, and conversations. As they begin to feel more comfortable with one another, they increase their level of conversations. Gradually they begin to have deeper conversations–co-commiserating about bad days/marriages/events etc.
Before long a friendship is formed and both people are turning to each other for support rather than turning to their significant other. This person doesn’t “nag”, wall-off or dismiss what the person says so it’s a much easier conversation to have. If they work together–even better, now they both can commiserate about their job.
Emotional affairs are very tempting because they feel “safe” at first. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about your problems who won’t hold you accountable for your behavior at home. Who wouldn’t like that? I believe it’s pretty safe to say there are times when your partner would like that also.
What we all need to remember however, is if this person were our romantic partner, chances are s/he would respond the exact same way our partner does when we’re not being very relational or working all hours of the day and night. The only difference is the person you’re commiserating with hasn’t had to live with you for years and is enthralled with your attention. Trust me, that will wear off–it always does.
So, if you find yourself talking more and more to a colleague at work or a “friend” of the opposite sex, don’t kid yourself, you are putting your relationship in jeopardy no matter how you justify it. Emotional affairs are similar to sexual affairs in many ways, and often they turn into sexual affairs. As I’ve said before, few people go into affairs with the intention of having one…emotional affairs are no different.
The only way to safe guard your relationship from affairs is to stay away from them at all costs—emotional and sexual.
If you are talking to someone, other than your partner or a same-sex friend (if you’re heterosexual and opposite if your homosexual) about difficulties in your relationship, struggles in your life, or stressors in general, then you are either in an emotional affair or walking into one. Stop, turn the other way, and face your partner. Find a way to talk to your partner about what you keep going to this other person about. In the end, it feels better walking in integrity than not–no matter what the circumstances.
Challenge: If there’s someone you’ve been confiding in about your relationship or life in general, stop and take a moment to figure out what’s going on. How are you justifying this relationship to yourself? If your partner were doing the same thing would that be okay with you? Find a way to get support from your partner. If it’s the relationship you need support about, go to the source and talk about what changes you need.
Wow, this posting was great and very helpful Lisa, thanks!
This article is very true. I feel as an adult, you cannot be “just friends.” You may be “just friends” in high school, but as an adult it becomes more. In your adult life you are seeking a mate or companion.
THANKS FOR PUTTING THIS INFO OUT THERE FOR OTHERS TO READ. MY SPOUSE WAS IN AN EMOTIONAL AFFIAR FOR 6 MONTHS. IT IS HARD TO RECOVER FROM THIS KIND OF BETRAYAL SO ITS GREAT TO LEARN ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
Thank you for your article. It is dead on. It not only confirmed the “signs” of an inappropriate relationship, it helped me to realize that, unfortunatley, I’m not the only one going through this.
My husband is having an emotional affair with a woman at work, who is much younger. They have worked together for several years now. I met her once at a business dinner when she was trying to get a job in his department. She is married, has two small kids, and has already had one affair with a co-worker. Over the years, she told my husband about that affair (which made him very angry) and that her dad has had a drug problem that she has struggled with since childhood.
My husband seems to feel like it’s his “duty” to be the father figure she never had. She used to call him a lot on his cell until I got upset with him. She would call after hours and on the weekends asking for career advice. His tone of voice was different than how he spoke to other colleagues too. I thought that was a little weird, but figured I was being paranoid.
Last year, my husband told me about a project he had in Germany. He booked a flight into Amersterdam to arrive Saturday morning so he could see the country and take a train to Germany Sunday night. No problem. I knew he had always wanted to see Amsterdam.
Around this same time, she started calling more frequently. When I got suspicious about all his calls with her and his tone of voice, I reluctantly, went through his emails. (I had NEVER done that before.)
That’s when I found out that she was also scheduled to be in Germany that week. She was flying into Germany on Saturday. He had invited her to catch a train to Amsterdam after landing.
I confronted my husband. After days of fighting and crying, he made an excuse to cancel his trip and swore it was behind him and that it wouldn’t happen again. He said he did not realize that was inappropriate behavior. I believed him. As far as I know, he didn’t have any assignments with her after that.
FAST FORWARD…
It’s been almost a year. I thought we were happy.
Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I had a very disturbing dream that he was meeting a close female overseas. It felt so real it woke me up. I felt very uneasy about it for a couple of weeks. Then I noticed when he was working at home, he would close his office door at times. Because of this nagging dream, his behavior, and his recent and upcoming travel schedule, I again, reluctantly, read the email on his blackberry when I had an opportunity.
Turns out, she had contacted him about a month before my dream regarding “what he was doing” these days. He responded that he was dealing with early retirement and aging. She said she cried her eyes out when he told her about his early retirement and asked him “who would look after her” now. She told him that she wanted to be the “daughter he never had” to throw some trouble into our mix of four sons. He responded that he had “fallen down” on his duties to her and that “baby girl”, it was.
A couple weeks later is when he was offered another position with the company. He would be traveling overseas even more and was responsible for building his team of workers. She sent him an email telling him she would’nt be with the company after December. He asked if she would like a “guest” invitation on his team. She was thrilled about the travel destinations and told him “he rocked”. He had asked several other people too – who were just as excited, but this one REALLY bothered me – especially after reading their other conversations.
I decided to tell my husband about my dream and asked him point blank if he were arranging to work with her again overseas. He said no. I asked if he were trying to hire her for his team. He said no, and that she wasn’t qualified. I asked if she had been laid off. He said not that he knew of, he had not talked to her in a while. He said I was over-reacting to a “dream.”
Once again, I went off on him explaining to him how they were BOTH feeding into each other’s disfunctional dependencies and that, if he really wanted to be a strong “father figure” to her, he would have refocused her on all the good things in her life and guided her back to her husband for support instead of making himself another crutch. He was very angry that I read his email and said I was misinterpreting their emails and relationship completely. He then asked if I wanted to invite she and her husband to dinner, so I could UNDERSTAND the nature of their relationship. I said I had no desire to understand it. I told him that it was pretty clear to me what’s happening here – no matter how much he justifies it and tells me “I’m the only one he wants.” Plus, I don’t think I could look her husband in the eyes KNOWING that she screwed around on him. I’ve heard he’s a very nice guy and I might not be able to contain my thoughts.
I suppose my husband and she are trying to fill some void, and also know where that usually leads. I am sick to my stomach again and still trying to decide what to do now. He asked me to travel with him.
I told him how I felt and asked him to let me know his intentions so I could get on with my life too. I also told him I wasn’t going to live the rest of my life wondering when or if this would happen again. Obviously, we (I) now have a BIG issue with trust. I shouldn’t have to travel with him in order to know he’s not thinking about fooling around.
I probably sound like a b*tch, but I am still VERY pissed at the behavior of both — since this happened this week. And, I am uncomfortable with myself for having read through his emails again. Last year was like a knife in the gut. I was extremely hurt and cried for days. I have not shead a tear this time. I am so angry. I’ve worked with women like her before and seen more than one executive be “forced to resign” for trying to “help” a needy, emotionally manipulative woman. I’ve also left a couple jobs when I had to keep making excuses to male bosses who invited me to lunch too often.
Sorry to go on so long, I just had to vent. All I can say is, “trust your intuition.”
P.S. Women, if I AM over-reacting to what’s typical in the workplace now, please let me know so I can put myself back in check.
Rubbish you can be ‘just friends’ I have many male mates whom are close and my husband close female friends, we have never had an issue. I have never had feelings for any of my guy friends! You can be adult about this
No “Over-reacting wife”, you are not over-reacting.
He lied to you about the situation, that says it all. Why lie if there is nothing going on?
You two need to seek counseling to work out your many issues.
To Tara:
Your story sounds just like mine, only it has been going on for almost six years and regardless of my feelings and what I request of both of them, he swears he will cut her off, then somehow justifies it as time goes on that they can still be friends even though at one time they were physical, kissing and touching, no sex that I am aware of, but what do I really believe? The truth is that I don’t want him if I have to make an ultimatum for him to choose. I want him to choose for himself that he wants to kick her to the curb. But I cannot go on another day this way, let alone another year, where I have to wonder all the time, where he is and what the hell they are texting to eachother as there is no way to check that. Why should I have to live this way, sick to my stomach and allowing them to pretend to eachother they can be just friends after what they did? Am I crazy? They forfeited any chance at friendship when they became emotionally involved and especially the first time they kissed. I am so tired. I wish she would go away for good. 🙁
My boyfriend had an emotional affair. I confronted him and he admits having the affair. But he wants to keep his friendship with the other woman. He says that he doesnt feel anything towards her anymore but he has never tunrned back from a friend. He says that ending his friendship will be betraying his own principles. That asking him to stop seeing her is to attempt against his individuality. He also says that his friendship with this woman makes him feel good, and that I am a bad person because I dont understand what friendship means to him. I feel very confused.