My son accidentally stepped on his sister’s foot the other day and when she yelped “OUCH!” my son replied, “WHAT?! It’s not like I meant to do it.” I explained that his intention had nothing to do with how much it hurt. I also let him know that he needed to apologize for the pain it caused even though it was an accident.
This incident led me to thinking about how often adults do this. Adults will often use their intentions as a way of minimizing the impact of what they do. Some examples of this include:
• “Well, it’s not like I intended to have an affair; it just happened.”
• “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just angry and I blurted it out.”
• “It’s not like I meant to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. I didn’t realize they were
behind me.”
Your intentions are irrelevant when your behavior causes pain. It doesn’t matter if you intended to have an affair, the fact is you did…and it caused a tremendous amount of pain. The fact that you lost your temper and called your wife a b*tch or your husband a son of a b*tch doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or it wasn’t out of line and disrespectful. It was. Own it. Take responsibility for your actions whole-heartedly, without excusing them due to your intentions.
Good intentions often lead to hurtful actions. Affairs are a great example of this. I know of many affairs that started because one person was struggling and the other person tried to provide emotional support. There was never any intent, in the initial stages, to have an affair with this person; the intent was only to help. The end result however, is the same whether the person intended to have the affair or not: a horrendous breech of trust, a very painful process, and often a subsequent broken family. All started with a great intention.
The next time people you love are hurt by something you do–regardless of your intention–apologize. Repair it, own it, and don’t justify it in any way, simply make amends with an open heart and make sure you don’t do the same thing again.
Challenge: Pay attention to how you use “good intentions” as an excuse for hurtful behaviors and /or poor choices. If you have recently done this, go back to the person and make amends.
Affairs, means liars. My husband must think that I am totally stupid..Or he wants to get caught and then there is the third choice while away can play when at home leave them alone..
This is all coming over his cell phone so far he dosen’t understand what to do with the computer, and I won’t show him..
I am pissed off and really hurt, now today I find another female phone # which is a bartender and he is calling her 5 times a day so instead of just the one I suspected now there are 2.
What should I do next? Confront him or get more information and enough rope to hang himself?
Feeling really used and stupid..
Signed lost
LISA’S REPLY:
Dear Lost,
My suggestion is you sit down and talk to him about what you know. If you discover he is actually having an affair, I would not make any reactive decisions. Take some time to sit with the information, see how he responds (is he remorseful or contrite), and then decide if your relationship can be worked on or not.
As far as feeling stupid, I would think of it as him being very deceptive not you being stupid. Anyone can hide anything if s/he really wants to. Don’t beat yourself up for your partner’s lack of intregrity.
Take care-Lisa
Thank you Lisa for responding.
The main girl that he has been calling and is the co-worker now has my husband giving her money.. He called and said I did something you aren’t going to like.
Then proceded to tell me that he had already given he the money, never spoke to me before about it, while he left me here holding down the fort and trying to pay all the bills, but he has enough to be giving her money. He would of gone through the rafters if I had even considered any thing of that nature.
It just seems like it is just one thing after another, plus he is in the bars again being I’m not there and even got into a fight already having to be macho.
I have been going through chemo therapy for my liver and he gets just mean because there are days I really feel rotten. Coments like ( what”s wrong with you now.) He thought that once I started chemo that I would feel better and keeps wondeering when this is going to level off so I can jump when he says more or less.
I will speak to him when I get some more evidence I want all my ducks in a row before I confront him.
If you have any other ideas please let me know.
Alone and confused to say the least. Thanks Lost
I am struggling to understand and keep things in persective. I been in a relationship now for 4 years and I am in the mist of trying to make a rational decision not based on my emotional attachment and feelings.
The relationship has been marred with many issues and yet many great and not so great times.
1) He says I am insecure and that I don’t trust him. Based on throught out relationship he continues to be in constant contact with his ex’s and I should be ok with it. Its not just a conversation here and there they call him to run errands, talk to their kids, drop and pick up. One of them her son 6 yrs old son calls him daddy. They use to call our house now they text and call him on his cell phone. He doesn’t not understand why I am uncomfortable with this. He frustrated with me because I am not accepting of this and says that I am my insecurity causes the problems in our relationship. Example – We live together and yes I have three teenagers. He goes and takes his ex’s daughter to an interview but when I ask him to take my 17 year old son to work because I am runnning late its no because he feels that my son does not respect him. I tell him how can he do for others what he can not do for the children whom lives with him. ITs an on going sore spot but says its only my problem because he does not have a problem with it.
I am love him dearly but I am really tired of having the same agruement all the time. He feels that my kids should respect him just because he is an adult and that he does not have to earn their respect. He only talks to them to tell them what to do. If they do their chores he does not say anything and feels that its my son’s job to mow the yard every weekend and even if the does he does not say anything but as soon as he doesn’t its he is not doing his job. I told him that the yard is not my son’s job and he does but my son has Chronic asthma and if his allergies are messing with him, he still expects my son to mow the yard. I told him that i agree they should have chores but not chores that are not healthy or can cause him to get sick. Its hard because if the cause of our problem is not my kids its my insecurity.
He does not have any kids at all and seems insenstive to my kids but will do for his friends kids whom are much younger and of course girls. He also complains about my daughter. She is a straight A student, she is in the band and plays basketball. She does everything we ask her too but he complains because her room is not as clean as he thinks it should be. She can clean her room then he complains that she threw everything in her closet. I ask him if the entire house is clean and it just her room, how is that a problem you don’t live in her room. Nothing is good enough. The odd thing is he never says anything or complains about my oldest son whom is 19 and goes to college.
He never looks at himself and always says that I am too easy on my kids and I get defensive when he says something about them. I don’t get offensive if he is right about things i agree and we have a family chat but if he’s being unreasonable i don’t subject them to the unnessary. I am tired of being the peace maker.
I know I am ranting but I simply don’t know what to do any more.
And, now he has gotten to the point that he tries to hide who is talking too so that I will not know that is his ex’s. He says that they are just friends that nothing is going on with any of them and that he knew them before I ever came along and if he chooses to do things for them its his choice.
I am at my whits end he has been off work now for the last 7 months and I feel as if I am going to have a nervous break down I am on pins and needles.
Am, I being insecure. I told him that I would not tolerate him doing or others that he can not do at home. I have dealt with him hiding and watching porn excessively. I have found text on his phone to women talking about sex. I am just tired. I have been taking care of everything for the last 7 months because he has not been able to find work and stress of everything the bills,kids and relationship is tuff. How do I find my way back. Why is it so hard for me to leave…. but I do love this man.
DEAR LEE: What are you doing in this relationship? You deserve to be treated sooooooo much better. I’m sure that many people have told you this before though. I’m also sure that if you closed your eyes and asked yourself this same question that your wisest self would know that you deserve better.
You are settling for this relationship because you are not healthy yourself. Get into therapy and work your core. You need to look at why you would tolerate so many of these intolerable actions. Get yourself stronger and the answer to your relationships problems will begin to work themselves out. When you get healthy, you will not be able to sit in something so unhealthy. Your boyfriend will either step up and start making the changes he needs to make or you won’t be able to tolerate him any more. Either way it’s a win for you. Get yourself to a therapist and for the first time start taking care of your needs.
Warm regards-Lisa
This was a really helpful segment. Lately my husband and I have entered a strange stage of turmoil. We went through a stage similar while engaged for 5 years. I think we had cheated because we weren’t sure of the commitment… We were able to get past it (like some cannot) and we are still proud to this day, although the lack of trust still pops up from time to time. We have been together close to ten years and only married for two, although It feels like forever. Your quote about good intentions really clicks into my brain! It is so true! We are both always paving some road with excuses and “good intentions” but the truth is really just that we have to prove the other wrong! Why is that?! Why do men and woman have to be SUCH different creatures!? It seriously frightens me that I literally have to spell out every tiny little issue. I can’t seem to wrap my finger around the grief that comes hand in hand with fighting with your loved one. The most awful words can be thrown without even the slightest “good intentions” ….. Here I go again….. Prob my biggest mistake- – – talking!!!