Asking your partner to do something different can be a difficult conversation to have. Many times it is so difficult that individuals fret and ruminate for hours, days or even weeks before saying anything. Unfortunately, all of this fretting often leads to one partner blurting out, in the heat of the moment, what they don’t like about the other partner. Not surprisingly, this is seldom an effective approach.
Leading with a gift is a skill that has the potential of taking the sting out of a discussion or request. It is when you start your discussion with a kindhearted truth; an acknowledgement or a compliment for example. So, if you wanted to ask your partner to speak to the children with a softer, more gentle tone, you might begin by leading with a gift such as, “I know you love the children very much, and you are under a great deal of stress…”(gift). This allows your partner to realize that you do not think everything they do is wrong; it also builds up your appreciation muscles – a necessary component in any healthy relationship.
When you use this skill you do not have to over do it, and do not make something up that you don’t believe. Be genuine with your gift, and use it as a lead-in not as a way to water down your message. For example, if your partner has been trying to help more around the house, yet left their clothes on the floor, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been helping out more around the house and I appreciate that. It would also help if you could put your clothes in the hamper before you go off to work. Would you be willing to do that for me? Thanks.”
Realize that like any skill, this is not a miracle maker, it is simply another way of acknowledging what your partner is doing while also making a request for them to do something they are not. When it works, be thankful. When it doesn’t, be proud that you tried something new and try it again in the future.
Challenge: Practice leading with a gift this week and pay attention to what you notice as a result. Does it take the sting out or is there no noticeable change? Under what conditions does it lead to the results you would like?
TY. I can relate.
Often, I go to him and plan to praise, thank and express wonder over something we shared, his gifts, love. Good things.
I approach and like today feel punished for something that occurred before. Maybe he had hoped I’d clean. I planned to finish my task, but became ill and needed to heal. He knew I was resting for a reason – I thought he knew. He heard me cry at night and knew I was I pain. So, when I arrived, I was met with disaproval.
It’s confusing to me. I begin to wonder about his motives.
I need clear direction, communication to understand our relationship,our mutual goals, and how to please him.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 small children.We have been having the same argument for over a year now. He makes plans to see friends very often, being out of the house late at least 2 nights a week.I feel that he does not put family first b/c he spends so much time with his friends and doesn’t consider my feelings no matter how many times I express that I am hurt.He doesn’t see the harm in his behavior since he is home to put the kids to bed most of the time. I think it’s inconsiderate to leave your wife at home as much as he does.